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I`m a pretty law abiding citizen, but overweight and out of shape security guards really make me want to test their commitment to the job.
If I treated others how I wanted to be treated, I`d be doing a ton of spontaneous sexual favors for random strangers.
Hey, I found your nose. It was in my business.
The average man thinks about sex every tits seconds
Waiter, bring me a bowl of turtle soup and make it snappy.
I hate it when people upload song lyrics as their status`s it reminds me of somebody i used to know
I hate it when I gain 20 pounds for a role and then realize I`m not an actor.
I just watched Back to the Future Part II and not once did I see a person walking around staring at their smartphone.
I`m no super genius, but I bet the most effective way to lose "baby weight" is to have the baby.
Billion dollar idea: Make a prescription drug that gets rid of the side effects of all the other prescription drugs.
You`re right, you didn`t ask that guy for a d!ck pic, but nobody asked for hundreds of pictures of your face either.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Fast food places should have a third window, where you can trade in the wrong stuff they gave you at the second window.
You can tell how much a woman hates her husband by how short she cuts her hair.
None of us have it as bad as the porcupine giving birth to another porcupine.