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I’m proud of anyone who has quit doing drugs and alcohol, I don’t want to hang out with you now… but I’m still very proud…
Showed my daughter an MRE. The package said "Peelable Seal". She said I`m not eating no seal.
If I agree with you, we would both be wrong.
If you can’t celebrate Valentine’s Day with someone you love, celebrate it with alcohol and pizza.
Sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight. I have to get up really early tomorrow afternoon.
Yeah he`s still bugging me...he thinks Harass is two words.
Nuclear physicists can be lots of fun. They`re often referred to as the half life of any party.
Male or female, no one f*cks with you if you put your lipstick on like The Joker.
There are two reasons I would never drink toilet water. Number 1 and number 2.
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it`s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Anything you say will be used against you, in an argument, 10 months from now, because I’m a woman. And we never forget. Anything. Ever.
Walking out of a store after not buying anything and thinking, “try not to act like a criminal, try not to act like a criminal”
I`d be much more attracted to you if you were much more attractive.
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Women say all men are dogs, but fail to realize that dogs are the most loyal creatures in the world if you treat them right.