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Once and for all, I agree to ALL "the terms and conditions" that have or will ever exist!
Life is very funny, if you take the time to watch it.
April 1st is the absolute worst day to have a heart attack.
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes… Can you pick me up some beer on your way back?
"This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall." - Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Based on the condition of my hair in the morning, I`d say there`s a 100% chance my hair has more fun than I do when I sleep.
Always give 100% at work: 12% Monday, 23% Tuesday, 40% Wednesday, 20% Thursday, 5% Friday.
If there`s one thing in this world that everyone can agree on it`s... "Goonies never say die!"
All I`m saying is you don`t see many neck tattoos on Jeopardy.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Happy Monday!! I`m gonna sit this one out.
You ever wonder why wearing no underwear is called “going commando”? It seems to me it wouldn’t be useful in a combat situation.
I like how the package for cotton swabs says don`t put them in your ears and everyone in the world is thinking: "WTF else would I do with them?!"
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Life seemed more interesting when everyone owned a flask.