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I was driving to work this morning and saw a bumper sticker that said, "Jesus is the answer." A few minutes later I saw another bumper sticker that said, "Who farted?" That was the best game of Highway Jeopardy ever!
Why would I ever pay to go to a NASCAR event when I could get drunk beside the interstate and cheer for cars for free?
You can`t find happiness at the bottom of a beer ... Well no kidding, who is happy when their beer runs out.
This idiot from Apple reckons that the "Temperature, iPhone needs to cool down" warning message has nothing to do with all my hot selfies
Like a stoned man once said, I can`t remember.
"You drive me to drink!!!" ~Me shouting to the taxi driver.
Pretty sure nobody would run marathons if they were never allowed to talk about running marathons.
Note: the 5 second rule does not apply to soup.
As soon as you think “maybe I can get up early and just finish it tomorrow” you’ve already lost.
There would be a lot less people willing to run for public office if the losers were required to pick up all the lawn signs afterwards.
And today I learned to never ask a woman how she dye`s her roots black.
I failed my driver`s test. For the question "What do you do at a Red Light?" I said "Text and check Facebook."
I am really glad the shutdown is over. I`ll tell you something, it was very lonely being the only nonessential employee who was working.
Sorry I got really drunk and ended up being really mouthy and offensive at your party next week.
Facebook Proves: That if Family had the Option... they`d Delete ya.