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No one asks the tough questions, like why are drug dealers on the metric system?
I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I`m like "That`s enough exercise for today"
Yankee Doodle went to town, riding on a pony; he stuck a feather in his hat, and called it macaroni… That folks, is what drugs do to you.
As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER... USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN...
I’m drinking while I work out…I call it Bacardio.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
Social media is great if you like socializing without wearing pants.
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
Frozen water balloon fights... not a good idea.
I`m really sick of responsibility ... and underwear
If there is such thing as a fake noodle, does that make it an impasta?
Women are like bacon, they smell great, taste delicious and kill you slowly. Men are like bacon because we`re pigs.
I`m no magician but I can walk down the street and turn into a bar!
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?
According to my nipples, there;s a ninety-nine percent chance it`s cold as f*ck outside.