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That awkward moment when the guy who discovered milk had to explain what he was doing to the cow
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likes to end all my phone calls with "Ok, I`ll see you later on at the party!" and then quickly hang up. Let them figure it out.
Most meteorologists are men. That`s why when they say we`re going to get 6-8" of snow, we only get 2 or 3.
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
McDonalds ... closing thigh gaps since 1967.
I don`t drink these days. I`m allergic to alcohol and narcotics. I break out in handcuffs.
Don`t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
I hate it when I get too drunk and just kidding I never hate getting drunk!
Facebook posts with 12 hashtags, who the f*ck are you trying to reach?
Chip clips are for quitters.
The saying, "Say no to drugs" has always made me laugh. If you`re talking to drugs, it`s probably too late to say no to them.
Life is like a burrito. If you fill it with too many things it falls apart and then you cry and they kick you out of Chipotle.
Life is too short for fake butter, cheese or people.
The police want to interview me. Strange, I didn`t even apply for a job.