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I like to play fetch with my cat....which, you know, is just me throwing stuff,,, followed by disappointment.
Friendship is like peeing on yourself; everyone can see it but only you can feel the warmth that it brings.
Don`t judge me just because I sin differently from you.
My bank lets me send a text message and it´ll text back with my balance. It´s a cool feature but I didn´t think the LOL was necessary.
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
As funny as it might be, It`s never polite to yell "Tuba Lesson!" Before farting.
since when was it cool to have an iPhone at the age of 10.. i sincerely hope those parents know what they`ve done.
You posted a drunk selfie last night at 2:04 AM and then deleted it five minutes later. But I took a screenshot. Let`s negotiate.
You know you had an interesting day when your Google search history includes "rubber panda".
If other employees are taking four fifteen minutes smoke break a day, I should most certainly be allowed a one hour nap time.
If you can`t handle me at my worst I completely understand, because I can`t either.
If you would`ve told me back in 1999 that we`d still be using animated gifs in 2015, I would`ve said "Wow, what a boring conversation"
The sooner one of you ladies takes ‘one for the team’ and becomes my girlfriend, they sooner I leave the REST of you alone!
Home is where the pants aren’t.
I organized a threesome last night....there were a couple of no shows, but I still had a good time