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I`ll never have a kid as cool as the one my parents did…
I only say “bless you” twice. If you sneeze a third time I assume you cant be blessed and you’re a demon who must be destroyed.
You should be able to park in an “expecting mother” parking space if you’re waiting for your mom.
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Walmart calls them self checkouts, I call them I might not pay for some of this.
I’m mad, but not as mad as someone asking to see the rules in the middle of a monopoly game.
Remeber that time we came to work and we were excited? Me neither.
Anyone know where I can get a waterproof recliner for my shower?
If you`re really really quiet, you can hear yourself doing the world a favor.
I think I`ve finally found someone I could spend the rest of my life with, I should probably get out of her closet and introduce myself.
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I bought 2 fish and named one, “one” and the other “two”, so when “one” dies I will still have “two”.
I met a guy exactly like my father so I brought him home and my mom shot him.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I`m bored of paying for things
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is knowing not to put it in the fruit salad.