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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance…the five stages of me hitting the snooze button in the morning
I like people. I just don`t want them talking to me. Or breathing near me. Or making me look up from my phone.
If I saw a ghost, I would not be scared. I’d be like “Sit your translucent ass down, I have a lot of questions!”
My neighbor thinks I`m crazy and that I`ve been stalking her. well at least that`s what her diary says.
I used to date this girl that worked at Hasbro, but I finally got sick of all her games.
Marriage counseling - because sometimes your spouse needs to hear from a professional that they are being an a$$
If history repeats itself then I am SO getting a dinosaur.
I have a black belt in leather
Pumpkin for sale! [slightly used]
I say the things better left unsaid.
I decided to make a bucket list for when I kick the bucket. Number 1: Wear shoes! Ever tried kicking a metal bucket without shoes?
My wife asks me to remind her about stuff. That way if she forgets something, it`s my fault.
Went by the bank today and the female teller was flirting with me which was weird considering she saw my account balance.
It`s not a real hangover until you bring a pillow into the bathroom.