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My wife said she expects the house to be clean by the time she walks in the door so I changed all of the locks.
My wife even says "NO" in her sleep. The force is strong with this one.
I`m not lazy I just really enjoy doing nothing!!
CAMPING TIP: If you get lost in the woods, a compass can help you get lost more North.
I’ve never had angry sex. I’m always happy and quite surprised that it is actually happening.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
All alcohol will make my clothes fall off… tequila just makes that happen in public.
Good things come to those who wait ... Which explains why I`m always late.
Sometimes I have to tell myself, "It`s not worth the jail time!"
dude i wasent tht drunk you were huging a peice of chese saying ill never let u go sponge bob
Im convinced that one day we will all live in the future.
Ban pre-shredded cheese! Make America grate again.
Exactly when in American history did Americans stop having British accents?
I think my iPhone is broken. I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.