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To be honest, I panic a bit right before I have to pronounce Worcestershire sauce.
My mom at night: Good night, sweet dreams I love you. My mom in the morning: Wake the f*ck up you lazy piece of sh!t.
The covers of this book are too far apart.
Did you ever notice that the first piece of luggage on the carousel never belongs to anyone?
Perfect relationships exist in thoughts, movies, and Facebook timelines.
We all have that funny voice we use when talking to dogs, babies... and idiots!
Accidentally used AOL.com, I betting the employees there are celebrating and think they have a sure future.
This post is just for you.
As soon as I figure out who drank my 2 cases of beer, I`m gonna try to figure out why I`m so drunk.
Life is NOT like a box of chocolates. It`s more like a jar of jalapeños. What you do today, can burn your a$$ tomorrow.
He won`t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to `SHUT YOUR DOG UP, D!CKS`
I just accidentally opened the door for a Jehovah`s Witness and he took one look at me and just walked away.
Have you ever noticed that the & symbol looks like a guy dragging his butt across the floor?
Everything happens for a reason. Sometimes the reason is that you’re ignorant and make bad decisions.
Hi I was calling about the $300/hour part time job I read about in a sexy ad I saw on an illegal torrent site. Are you guys still hiring?