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And then her mood ring just...exploded
I drink to make other people interesting
A fairy godmother but for breakups. She takes your phone and leaves alcohol and possibly your first cat.
Damn…I’m having an out of money experience.
If everything goes as planned, tonight I shall drink myself beautiful.
Whenever I`m sad, you`re there. Whenever I`m having problems, you`re always there. Whenever my life seems out of control, you`re always there. Lets face it. You`re bad luck.
The worst thing that can happen when you invite someone over to "watch a movie" is actually watching a movie.
I like to flush the toilet a few times when I`m on the phone with someone who calls me so they know not to do that again
I could spend my day outside, but I`m sure there`s plenty of porn that needs to be rated.
I`d love to drown my problems... I just can`t get my spouse to go swimming!
Make any conversation awkward by pulling out and starting a stopwatch without saying why you`re doing it.
I want to live in a world where it’s never too late for breakfast food and never too early for pizza.
I`ll stop being so lazy when being so lazy stops being so awesome.!!
Never resist a mad impulse to do something nice for me.
I could never trust a psychic who hasn`t won the lottery at least once.