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The roof of my mouth just healed from that Hot Pocket I had in 2003.
My house isn’t dirty, I just have everything on display.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out...you have issues bro
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
People who say `expresso` instead of `espresso,` may I axe you to please stop? Thanx.
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
I put the "fun" in "functioning alcoholic"
If you lift up the handle on the car door at the same time I`m trying to unlock it more than two times, I`m driving off without you.
Wind chimes? I can`t see myself saying, its too quiet, you know what`d be nice? Noise.
A massage is just professional petting for humans.
I`m going to start carrying fireworks in my car because sometimes my horn just isn`t enough
I`m so old I remember when water was free and you had to pay for porn.
We all have that one friend who needs to learn how to whisper
If zombies ever attack just go to Costco...they have concrete walls...years of foods and supplies...and best of all the zombies can`t get in without a Costco membership card.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.