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Hey dude who flipped me off in the Subway parking lot for honking at you, you left your dinner on top of your car.
I thought about going outside and doing something today but my Wi-Fi really doesn’t reach very far.
I`m changing my voicemail greeting to: Please hang up and text me, thanks. ;)
Sometimes I stand in the shower for 10 minutes before I remember what I`m supposed to be doing. So, yes your secrets are safe with me.
Ironically, Internet was made to save our time.
Fun thing to do: Go to a parking lot and put sticky notes on peoples cars saying "sorry for the damage" and watch them look for it
If a tree falls on your Ex in the woods, and no one hears it, still get rid of the chainsaw just in case.
no one is perfect thats why pencil have eraser
you know you`ve been facebooking too much when you accidentally say "LOL", in person...
I need to do laundry so bad I`m actually wearing Christmas stockings
Don’t expect a “bless you” after the 4th sneeze…get your self together
If you feel lonely... dim all lights & put on a horror-movie. After a while it won’t feel like you are alone anymore
Top 5 things I stare into: 1) My phone. 2) The fridge. 3) Space. 4) The abyss. 5) Your windows.
It would be so cool to be able to see an album of all the pictures you’ve accidentally photobombed in public.
If you Google the word `overreacting` there`s a picture of me using a fire extinguisher on a spider.