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like this if you are against animal cruelty
Exercise would be so much more rewarding if calories screamed while you burn them.
Yes, I realize I’m leaving early. But don’t forget, I also came in late.
Mythbusters is basically my childhood with a much larger explosives budget.
Sorry, everyone, it looks like my Facebook account was hacked by tequila last night...
Always believe a woman when she says, "you don`t really wanna know"
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food
Nothing says love like hearing a toilet flush on the other end of the phone.
Most of my colleagues and friends can`t spell colleagues or friends.
*calling pizza place* "Hello?" Your pizza tastes like cardboard "Are you sure you`re not eating the box again?" *long pause* *click*
I wish there was a way to find out how many boners you’ve caused in a lifetime, I wanna check my stats.
When one door closes it`s probably because someone shut it.
If it makes you feel better, don’t call it “Premature Ejaculation.” Call it “Speed Dating”
There are 10 types of people in the world, Those that understand binary, and those who don`t.
I find it quite ironic that the most dangerous thing about weed is getting caught with it.