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Funny how 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers a day seems so easy
It`s not a real relationship until their zip code is in your Weather Channel app.
If each day is a gift, I`d like to know where I can return Monday.
Explain to me the down side of being under house arrest.
I have two feelings, it`s either "I`m hungry" or "I shouldn`t have eaten this much"
Every parent’s superpower is the ability to communicate “I love you!” and “I will kill you!” with a single look.
Somebody is out there, somewhere, thinking of the impact you`ve made in their life. It`s not me. I think your an idiot.
Apparently there is no age limit on ignorance.
My favourite part about amazingly hot, energetic, passionate sex. Is being able to rewind the tape & watch it again.
Never piss off a woman on her period...scratch that...Never piss off a woman, period.
The older I get, the more I enjoy being bored.
Nothing says you are ugly like Facebook asking ``Are you sure you want to make this your profile picture?``
Even though I`m a guy I still get nervous when I pee on a pregnancy test.
You seem to be very educated on the things you make up.
Wrestling is obviously fake. Why would two people fight over a belt when neither of them are wearing pants?