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A baby`s laughter is one of the most beautiful sounds you will ever hear, Unless it`s 3am. And you don`t have a baby, And you`re home alone.
So vegetarians eat vegetables... I think I`m going to play it safe and avoid humanitarians.
When a woman asks you to guess her age, it`s like deciding whether to cut the blue, red, or green wire to diffuse a bomb
My New Year`s resolution for 2014 is to do something about my procrastination.
I`m always tempted to yell "Kevin!" mid-flight.
?"I hate when people come to MY house, knock on MY door, and then give me the "why aren`t you wearing pants" look."
I forget, on which side of my dinner plate am I supposed to set my phone?
Why is it that when my wife refers to her friends as "girlfriends" its normal but when i call my male friends "boyfriends" i lose my friends?
It`s ok, ghosts, no-one believes in me either.
Dating a single mother.... It`s like continuing from somebody else`s saved game.
Hey,,,, I said I`d be there in 10 minutes... Quit calling me every half hour.
You know nothing about a woman until she`s drunk and mad at you
If I`m in a public bathroom and someone else in that same bathroom is on the phone and states that they are ANYWHERE ELSE, I flush my toilet
You lost your phone and it`s on silent? Too bad. If you liked it then you should`ve put a ring on it.
Aaron Hernandez`s next jersey is going to be a jailhouse jumpsuit!