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Nipples: Nature`s thermometer.
Just remember the only thing standing between you and your dreams is your talent
“I promise”, “I am sorry”, and “I love you” all have eight letters, but then again, so does “bullshit”.
Happy New Years Everyone! (I stole this status:) )
A word of advice, stay on my good side. My good side is in Hawaii.
I had a terrible dream about mufflers and now I`m exhausted.
It`s amazing how we are very good lawyers for our own mistakes and very good Judges for other people`s mistakes.
It`s unfortunate that most people will never run out of things to say.
I`m concerned my kids will end up in therapy because I didn`t tell everyone on FB how much I love them.
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
When things get to stressful I hit the jim.......... Beam.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that`s not your Ferrari?
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
The only good thing about being an alcoholic is that no one ever asks me to drive them anywhere.
Handy tip for new parents : Wake up your baby by gently resting your head on a pillow.