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I bet Miley Cyrus is eating Twerky right now.
Smile at the people who hate you. It makes them wonder what you`re up to. :)
Don’t underestimate my ability to be hungry.
One day my fridge will take revenge on me by opening my bedroom door every half hour, staring at me for a few minutes and then leave.
Why is it called cat nip and not meowjuana?
Everything is so much funnier when you`re not allowed to laugh.
Don`t know what to get your husband for Christmas? Whatever you give him, give it to him naked. Problem solved
If Mary Poppins floated in on an umbrella today, they`d shoot her out of the sky with a drone.
I don`t care how old I am, if I go out to eat and there are crayons and paper placemats with puzzles... game on!
I feel bad for the photons that travel 93 million miles from the sun and then have to bounce off your stupid face.
Vaginas are like the weather. When it`s wet, it`s time to go inside.
Happy Fathers Day from your handsomerist and smarterist son
You`re only young once but you can be immature forever!
The worst form of Alzheimer’s is when you walk out of the kitchen and forget to grab a beer.
Some people are just beautifully wrapped boxes of crap.