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I need coffee in my life more than I need most people.
I can walk up to any dog, rub its belly and make a friend ... That trick rarely works on people.
Are security guards at Samsung stores called Guardians of the Galaxy?
I like them big and fake. ~Me talking about Christmas trees
Why is it called a menstrual calendar and not an egg timer?
At the young age of 5, a bear told me that I am the only person who can prevent forest fires. Why I was chosen, I`ll never know.
I gotta go guys. I just found out my lunch break isn`t 3 hours long.
If you can`t celebrate Valentine`s Day with someone you love, forget about it at a bar that you like...
I got food poisoning today. I don’t know when I’ll use it though.
Have you ever ate something so good that you do a little happy dance while your eating it?
By thigh gap you mean the distance between the KFC and my mouth right.
My life is spent trying to get people to give me the silent treatment.
Horoscopes: When you don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend to blame for your failures, try the solar system
Chip clips are for quitters.
Bands who can`t afford a smoke machine should hire my girlfriend to cook at their concert