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I clean my house like everyone else ... 5 minutes before someone comes over.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
At this point I`m guessing the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they completely lost their minds
My girlfriend ended up with a broken nose today because she wouldn`t listen to me... I said,"You`re about to walk into a lamppost."
Why does the girl in the Wendy`s commercials have Ronald McDonalds hair?
I’m not fat... my stomach is 3D.
Is it just me or is waking up at 3am and trying to read a text message like looking directly into the sun?
My hobbies include but are not limited to getting drunk and commenting "LOL" on relationship statuses on Facebook.
It`s such a beautiful day I had to open the window while I watched TV
Got a new Juicer. Going to Juice all these delicious organic vegetables I got ... then add Vodka ... Don`t judge...
Is it rude to put *vomits* under someone`s post ?
Missed connection: you were washing your car in a bathing suit. I rode past your house 78 times. You threw a rock at me.
I like to Party! ... and by Party I mean take Naps
A Whoopee cushion filled with gravy adds a hilarious new dimension to a rather tiresome practical joke.
6 FUNNIEST CONTRADICTING WORDS 1.Clearly misunderstood 2.Exact estimate 3.Small crowd 4.Found missing 5.Fully empty 6.Happily married