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Apparently I pack an apple in my 5 year old`s lunch so it can get out of the house for a few hours.
I`ve disappointed a lot of people in my life, you`re not special.
How do blind people know when to stop wiping their asses
Practice safe text – use commas and never miss a period.
I keep myself in good enough shape to outrun most women and children during emergencies.
Let me just flip this here omelette.... aaaaaand I`m having scrambled eggs
I just want a reason to dramatically slide across the hood of a car.
However lonely you feel, you`re never alone. [There are literally millions of bugs, mites and bacteria living in your house.] Goodnight.
Bars are Weird Its the only Business that kicks you out for buying TOO much of their Product
"keep moving.....nothing to see here"
No matter which path you choose, there will always be some asshole in front of you trying to make a left.
I really don`t get Astrology but I just hope my daughter stays a Virgo until she`s at least 18.
As long as I remind myself "The b!tch had it coming" is not a valid court defense, I`ll be ok
I don’t have a bucket list, but my f*cket list is a mile long.
One man`s LOL is another man`s WTF