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Every woman in this world is beautiful...........except for the ugly ones!
Lord, if I can`t be skinny, make my friends look fat.
It`s only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize that there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
My friends think I never listen to their opinions... like I give a sh*t what they think.
I don`t get why people find drunk texts annoying. You`re the person they`re thinking of when their brain can`t even function properly.
times new roman walks into a bar. "sorry, we don`t serve your type."
Whew! Thank you warning label I was actually considering using my new floor lamp in the shower.
Most problems can be solved with nudity.
If you have to use a shot glass to make your drinks then you`re not doing it right...
I like to go to the bathroom with the door open, because it keeps other people from getting onto the elevator with me.
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Roses are red, so is my wine. Refill my glass and I`ll be just fine.
Thanks to Netflix I can tell my doctor I`ve done a lot of "marathons"
At funerals instead of crying, I tie the dead person’s shoe laces together. It’s not stupid. What if he comes back as a zombie?
I just realized we cook bacon and bake cookies, get it together English.