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Alcohol: Because no great story ever started with someone eating salad.
I don’t like being told what to do…unless I’m naked.
They say that nobody is perfect, then they say that practice makes perfect. I wish they`d make up their mind
I swear, watching people at a 4-way stop sign is like watching `Night at the Roxbury.` "Him? Me? Oh Me? Me or Him?"
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to `laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series` as a "marathon"…
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
I couldn’t believe it yesterday, when I came home and was told by my wife that my 5-year-old son wasn’t actually mine. She says that I need to pay more attention when picking him up from school…
I always walk through my office with a stern look on my face and a toilet plunger to avoid conversations.
If two cannibals fight, does that make it a food fight?
You haven`t truly made it on YouTube until someone recognizes you in the unemployment line and asks for your autograph.
If my calculations are correct, I can retire about 5 years after I die.
I hate when I`m about to hug somebody really sexy and my face hits the mirror!!
I don`t get women. Also, I don`t understand them.
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!
The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.