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My spouse thinks I`m crazy. But I`m not the one who married me.
When the hostess at the restaurant says "table for 2?" I always like to look surprised and whisper "you can see him too?"
Walked into the kitchen for orange juice; walk out with sandwich, crackers, chocolate milk, and the TV remote I lost 30 minutes ago
Patience is not about how long you can wait, but how well you behave while waiting.
I will never understand why my fridge has a drawing of a carrot on the beer drawer.
Apparently putting Alka-Seltzer in my mouth while getting baptized and pretending I’m being possessed by the devil is not funny.
Dating a stripper is like eating a noisy bag of chips in church. Everyone looks at you in digust, but deep down inside they want some.
If my glass is half full then I start wondering where my bartender is.
Think big, Think smart, Think positive, Think beautiful, Think great,I know this is too much for u,so here is a shortcut-Just think about me
Anyone notice the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
2011: Come at me bro! 1800`s: Advance towards me brethren!
Your mother never saw the irony in calling you son of a bitch.
Sleep is for people with no internet connection.
Karma means I can rest easy at night knowing all the people I treated badly had it coming.
Facebook ~ redefining "friendship" one booby pic at a time. ;)