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The officer said, "you drinking?" I said, "you buying?" then we both laughed and laughed... And now I need bail money.
Just ordered a Fitbit and my bank called to see if my card was stolen.
On my bucket list: To be chased through a kitchen at a Chinese restaurant like in the movies.
I just saw a guy with the Monster energy logo tattooed on his neck, so if your village is missing their idiot, we have him.
If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I`m cute, I would have 1 dollar ... thanks mom.
Childhood is like being drunk: Everyone remembers what you did except you.
My wife told me, "I look really fat. Please make me feel better and compliment me." I said, "You have perfect eyesight."
cavemen were posting on walls before it was cool
WikiHow suggested 9 Ways to Celebrate Earth Day.... I did all by ?#? SLEEPING?the whole day! How???? I smoked less, used water/power less etc. Wikiwikiwiki!!!!!
Winning isn`t everything. Rubbing it in the face of your opponent is also important.
The Australian kiss is just like the French kiss but down under.
Never buy crystal meth from a guy with a full set of teeth. He`s obviously an undercover cop.
You should never answer your phone during sex, particularly if it`s your wife calling.
All I’m saying is, you’ve never seen me crying and eating tacos at the same time.
Holy sh!t Karma, how much longer till we`re all squared up?