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If your ever wondering who your real friends are all you have to do is delete your facebook account for about week without saying anything and see who calls
Well bugger... Just realised the plant ive been watering for 2 years is fake.
Republicans are red, Democrats are blue. The government is shut down cause neither one gives a damn about you.
Cats have been named the #1 pet held hostage by lonely women.
Pretty proud of myself, I got a lot of procrastinating done today
The last 10 seconds of every voicemail my grandmother leaves me is her trying to hang up the phone.
There was a piece of chocolate cake in the fridge and a note “Don’t eat me”.Now there’s an empty plate and a note “Don’t tell me what to do”
Sleep is for the people without access to Internet.
Sometimes one middle finger isn`t enough to let someone know how you feel. That`s why we have two hands.
Nicknames are way more fun when people don’t know they have them.
The self-driving car should have an "I`m Feeling Lucky" button that drives you to a random location.
Fun Things to do : Commenting “not your best” on everybody’s selfies.
I used to be poor. Then I bought a dictionary, and now I`m impecunious.
The only reason I offer to be the designated driver is so people will get used to seeing me load lifeless bodies into my car.
Sometimes I wish there was a `Build-a-Girlfriend`.