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My day so far: 1) Jumped out of bed 2) Cooked breakfast 3) Ran 6 miles 4) Worked out 5) Started lying compulsively
First the Jerk cut me off in traffic, then stole my parking space, then his stupid car got paint all over my key!
Me: Mom…Dad. I’ve decided to live on my own from now on. Parents: Ok, cool. Me: Your luggage is outside.
Dear autocorrect, at no point in time have I meant to say "I`m affordable" instead of "I`m adorable".
If a man says something in the woods.. And there are no women there.. Is he still wrong? O_o
I`m pretty sure by now “lazy” is just part of my personality description.
The only difference between doggy style and reverse cowgirl is who wants to watch the TV more.
Sex is like pizza, if you`re going to use bbq sauce you better know what the f*ck you`re doing
Is it annoying when people answer their own questions? Yes it is. Do I wish they would stop? Absolutely.
I`ll vacuum over something a hundred times before I pick it up and place it back down and try again.
If a group of midgets performed the YMCA song, it is to be considered that they did it in lowercase?
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Beware of the deodorants with instructions that ask you to "remove the top and push up bottom"... they could at least make them round.
Don`t be afraid of a few extra pounds, fat people are much harder to kidnap.
They need to put more spider poison in hairspray.