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Decided to make a life altering decision today.... When I think of it I`ll let you know
Once I`m finished with this last container of Cool Whip, I will be the proud owner of a complete set of salad bowls.
The good thing about being tall is, you can`t get lost in a crowd. The bad thing is, you can`t get lost in a crowd.
If one door closes & another door opens, you’re probably in prison.
I`m feeling about as useful as a stoplight in Grand Theft Auto.
If a camera adds 10 pounds then maybe stop eating them
Opening the Tupperware cupboard at home should be regarded as an extreme sport.
Some days, I practice positive thinking. Other days, I`m not positive I am thinking.
Wife fell asleep on the couch so I drew a spider on her glasses with dry erase marker. And now we wait...
This is my first lame status of the year. Enjoy!
Arguing over a girl`s bust size is like choosing between Heineken, Coors or Budweiser -- Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
I wish the guy made of money in the Gieco commercial would ride his motorcycle through my town.
I just made my first snow angel!! ... Ok fine.. I got bored, got drunk and then passed out in the snow, whatever!
Monday?! But, I wasnt even finished with Saturday yet.
Multitasking (verb) - Screwing up several things at once.