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Guess when toothpaste was invented? 1892. Guess when kissing was invented? A DISGUSTINGLY LONG TIME BEFORE THAT.
My life is like Monopoly: sometimes I`m the race car, sometimes I`m the iron. But usually I`m a peanut because I`ve lost all the game pieces.
This would be a "Good Morning!" status update, but it`s not, because morning sucks.
In my defense, your honor, he had the keyboard clicking sound on his phone turned on
Is there ever a day when mattresses are not on sale?
I`ve been around the block a few times, but then my neighbor realized I was drunk and helped me into my house.
Every time I hear the phrase, "Fire at will!", I can`t help but wonder, "What did Will do?!"
My exercise routine consists of doing diddly squats.
a walk in the woods helps me to relax and release tension the fact that I`m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant.
I have problems cleaning my house because I get distracted by all the fun things I find.
I`d tell you to go to hell, but I work there and I don`t wanna see you everyday.
Ok a$$hole, just go around me. I`m already doing 30 over the limit, I`m not speeding up. Stupid car with your stupid flashing lights
I mean, I don`t even call it a hangover anymore. It`s just morning.
If Santa’s helper takes a picture in the mirror, is that an elfie?
With my luck, I`ll die and get reincarnated as myself.