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The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
Three things I’m thankful for this time of year: Family, Friends, and Caller ID to avoid family and friends
I don’t like being told what to do unless I’m naked.
I can’t wait to be ashamed of what I do this weekend.
I can`t believe The Stones are still doing it after all these years. Someday I want to have a marriage like Fred and Wilma.
"Rise and shine” is probably the most depressing thing a shoeshiner hears in the morning.
If you give a man a fish you kinda suck at picking out gifts.
what is the first thing a homeless person does when he`s on a computer? he searches through the recycle bin
I did not mean to hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I just figured you already knew.
There are 364 days till Christmas and people already have their Christmas lights up. Unbelievable.
Secretly replaced the bacon with beggin` strips. Let`s see if the customers notice.
My friend said "hey that girl has a nice butt" I said "yes i bet she can sit down excellently "
Whenever I feel all alone in the world, I remind myself that I`m a valued customer at several grocery stores.
If your life ever seems boring just remember that you are on a rock floating in outer space.
The trick to farting in an elevator is wearing a suit. No one ever suspects the guy in the suit.