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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
thinks there are times when your the most beautiful girl in the world, and there are times when I’m sober.
I got in an elevator with a lady with big breasts. She said could you press one for me please. I did and that was the last thing I remember
People say "Happy Thanksgiving" which is nice, but then they ruin it by saying "Don`t eat too much". Do they want me to have a Happy Thanksgiving or not?
Dear, automatic flushing toilet, I appreciate the enthusiasm.... But I wasn`t finished.
Does anyone actually know what you have to do when people are singing Happy Birthday to you.
Making mirrors look good, since 1972
I bet it’s pretty hard at a mime’s funeral to figure out when the moment of silence is over.
Rabbits jump and they live for 8 years. Dogs run and they live for 15 years. Turtles do nothing and they live for 150 years. Lesson learned.
All the good ones are either taken or imaginary.
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I`m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle? WHY!!??
Facebook is like a fridge full of old food you know what is in your fridge but still you go and check if it changed.
what do you mean booze ain`t food!?