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"Give me your finest meal, money is of no concern." ~ Me at McDonald`s on pay day.
The doctors say im going to be ok. I must warn you the dyson ball cleaner has a very misleading name.
My co workers put cookies on my desk, like they`re leaving a sacrifice for an angry god.
Relationship Status: ( ) Single ( ) In a Relationship ( ) Married ( ) Engaged ( ) Divorced (X) Waiting for a miracle
My resume is basically just a list of things I hate to do.
It`s 2014 and somehow we still don`t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
I love how my calendar assumes when I add a 8:00 event, it’s AM. Google thinks I’ve got my life together.
Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
Sometimes just to annoy my therapist, I ask him, "So how does my lack of progress make you feel?"
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society`s way of preparing you for your driver`s license photo.
u cant spell awesome without me
Pizza: Round food, cut into triangles and put into a square box.
If pulled over, immediately ask the officer if they`ve been drinking in order to establish dominance.
What if Justin Bieber is also Miley Cyrus? I mean have you ever seen them in one place at the same time?