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I think on December 21 all the power companies should shut off the power for like 10 minutes just to make people flip out.
I like surprises. Not the `finger in my a$$ without permission` kind, but flowers are always nice.
Have you ever woke up pissed at someone because of something they did in your dream?
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
I`m at an age where I no longer want to marry a doctor for his money, but rather for the prescription medications he can provide.
The amount of alcohol I would need to sleep with you would actually kill me.
Boobs are to men what laser pointers are to cats
Admit it, at some point in time you’ve tried to see if you had superpowers.
I went for a run but came back home after 2 minutes because I forgot something. I forgot that I`m fat and can`t run for more than 2 minutes.
Do not keep all your work for tomorrow, always remember you can also do it the day after tomorrow.. Be lazy, Think crazy.
Anyone know how to get a red wine stain off a baby? asking for a friend
Knowledge is like underwear. It is useful to have it, but not necessary to show it off.
Please ignore this status, I am standing alone and I don`t want to seem like a total loner, so I am making it look like I am texting
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so that I could slap 8 people at once.