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Easy way to kill me: Dangle a spider from my rearview mirror while I`m driving.
Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life.
WARNING!! I have character defects and I`m not afraid to use them.
If no one from the future comes back to stop you, is it really that bad of an idea?
Don`t tell me what to do unless you`re naked.
My boss said “Dress for the job you want, not the job you have.” Now I’m sitting in a disciplinary meeting dressed as Batman.
Yes I walked away mid-conversation. You were boring me to death and my survival instincts kicked in
My new year`s resolution is to stop making new year`s resolutions.
Why can`t everyday be football Sunday?
I want to follow my dream, but i dont want to look like a stalker
If a man says you`re ugly, he`s being mean. If a woman says you`re ugly, she`s jealous. If a little kid says you`re ugly, then you`re ugly.
My Facebook movie is already in the dollar bin at Walmart.
I`m trying to lose weight by eating carrots and bran muffins. It`s a fiber-optics diet.
Yeah... I may be old... But I`m still hot..... They just come in flashes now!
awesome collection!