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People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
You can test my patience all you want, but I’m never going to pass.
Dancing in the 70`s: I have absolutely no idea what I am pointing at
"What doesn`t kill you makes you smaller." -Super Mario
No Girlfriend November was a success, now for Don`t Date December, Just Me January, Forever Alone February, No Match March..... I got this.
The worst thing about renting movie from a Red Box is that a $1 late fee isn’t enough motivation to get off the couch.
You`re the kind of friend I text when I`m pooping and need something to do.
I don`t know if I have a stalker, but if I do could you drop off some beer? Thanks
Our sex was so good, the neighbors smoked after we finished.
I`m in big trouble if my coworkers find out I don`t really have Tourette`s.
I`m thinking about starting a vegetarian dance club... I`m going to call it "lettuce turnip the beets". What do you think?
I’m not the kind of person you ever put on speaker phone.
Call me old school, but I think your shorts should be longer than your private parts.
I`m at that "licking peanutbutter off a spoon" time to go grocery shopping point....
When you’re a kid, you hate those moments when there is absolutely nothing to do. As an adult, you live for them.