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Only 273 fruit roll-ups to go until I get my full serving of fruit...
I’ve robbed banks before and they’re never getting their pens back.
Coffee has given me unrealistic expectations of productivity.
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
Never call a woman crazy because she will say, "I`m not crazy!" and then go and do something crazy. Probably with matches.
Not doing anything with my life is surprisingly time consuming.
I have removed all the unhealthy food from my house ... It was delicious.
Happy St. Patrick`s Day! I was going to drink anyway!
If people listened to themselves more often, they would talk less.
I dropped my affordable health care because I couldn`t afford it .
Pay phones should be replaced with chargers for cell phones.
"Hey bro shotgun this beer" No I don`t drink "You wanna be cool don`t you?" I don`t drink "C`mon NERD!" Grandma PLEASE stop
At least a stalker is there for you.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!