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I was gonna take over the world this morning but I overslept. Postponed ... Again.
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today. I didn`t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
It takes a brave man to admit when his wife is wrong .
"Memory foam pillow fights". That`s one fight you`ll never forget.
Dog Found: Now we are bros, so he`s staying. Don`t call, don`t make it weird.
Why does toilet paper need a commercial? Who is not buying this?
I should be cleaning and disinfecting the toilet bowl today cause I have a feeling I`ll be hunched over hugging it later tonight.
Keep your marriage fresh by writing each other love notes like "I considered smothering you with a pillow last night but didn`t."
“Should I add more liquor?” is the most ridiculous question I’ve ever been asked.
There was a glorious time, before social media, when you would just lose touch with people.
Is it so much to ask that everyone who ever wronged me be forced to leave the country and change their identity?
My grandma told me her joints are getting weaker, so I told her to roll them tighter.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
Why don`t you slip into something more comfortable, like a coma
If we`re in a situation where I am the "voice of reason," then we are in a very very bad situation.