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I`m amazed at the mileage my car is getting. I`m still running off the same tank of gas I bought last year!
I`ll be thankful when this thankful month is over.
Girl: I am not having having s@x with guys at the moment. Boy:I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue
The day I can get a correct order at a fast food establishment is the day I will support an increase in minimum wage.
Stalking is such a strong word. I perfer the term surveillance expert.
If someone doesn’t stand up to let you pass them in movie theater seats, it’s totally cool and legal to fart in their face as you walk by.
Today in my local cemetery I came across the grave of Arthur Wynne the inventor of the crossword puzzle. For those that want to know where he is buried it`s 6 down and 4 across.
Is running in front of cars some sort of gang initiation for squirrels?
When I was a child, I wanted to be a surgeon. But apparently I was too young
My "check engine" light came on while driving to work this morning. I looked and the engine is still there...silly light.
An empty web browsing history is a sure sign of guilt.
Every selfie you post should come stamped with a number like a limited edition print. "Attempt 7 of 25".
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to fish, he’ll probably be like, “Hey, remember when you used to just give me fish?”
I`m 50% sure this cross eyed guy is starring at my tits.
School was so much easier when 2 plus 2 equaled 4 instead of "X." Whoever decided to involve the alphabet in math deserves a solid punch to the face.