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I’m not paranoid, but everyone thinks I am.
Easy baked macaroni and cheese recipe: Boil macaroni in water.... follow the rest of the instructions on box. TADA!
Nobody knows how much work I put into looking only this fat.
When riding in an elevator, be sure to push all the buttons. Your fellow riders will appreciate the fact that you thought of everyone.
Just once, I want a username and password prompt to say, “Close Enough.”
If you can´t say anything nice ... we´re probably related.
Its that time of year to find out what your friends with pools have been up to since last year.
I hate wasting alcohol on social occasions.
Somebody asked for my name today, and when I told them they said "That`s an unusual name. You don`t hear that everyday" to which I replied "Well actually... I do"
We all have that one person we forever regret giving our phone number to.
Do you think the dude that invented the breathalyzer has any friends left?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
If you put Root Beer in a square glass do you get Beer?
If Wal-Mart ends up selling mortgages, the trailer market will explode.
Yawning is the body`s way of saying `10% Battery Remaining`.