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Weekends are like a orgasm.. It`s takes a lot to get there and when u finally do it`s over in no time
There are 7 trillion nerves in the human body. Some people are capable of getting on every last one of them.
When I`m bored, I send a random text to a random number saying "I hid the body... now what?"
Nothing is better than seeing your ex with someone uglier than you!
I tried sniffing coke once but the ice cubes kept getting sucked in my nose!
50% of people believe sex is "the connecting of two people`s souls through two people`s bodies, as one." The other 50% are men.
I decided to bury the hatchet with that neighbor I never got along with. After all, it is the murder weapon.
I give up on life! I have better luck playing Monopoly...or Clue...
I`m not giving the kids a time out. I`m giving myself one. The thought of sitting in a corner & being ignored sounds just heavenly.
People that do stuff- what’s your secret?
Women should run the world. That will give men more time to drink beer and watch sports.
I surveyed 100 women on what shampoo they prefer while showering 95% said How the hell did you get in here!!!
Mom: Some scary old lady keeps FaceTiming me. Me: Mom, turn your camera around and she’ll go away.
Can I just drop it like it’s luke warm? It’s been a long day and I’m tired.
I can always tell when I`m drunk. I tend to drop things...like my standards