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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
We still don`t know sh*t about that airplane. - NEWS
Stop dwelling on the past and start f*cking up the future.
Was there even food before people started posting pictures of it on Instagram?
Another World`s Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
Why would you be scared to get Ebola? You haven`t left your couch since 2011.
That awkward moment when a homeless person walks up to you at a Coinstar machine.
Today is "find your active cavity at 50% off" day at your local store.
Is it considered rude to ask your boss if it hurt when the house fell on her in The Wizard of Oz?
Is it just me that finds it disturbing that you can accidentally make a baby but you can`t accidentally make a pizza?
When I think of a selfie, I`m not sure it`s the same thing you`re thinking of
A child`s purpose is to help their parents relearn the states and capitals.
Just made eye contact with a guy while licking my lips ... I think I need to kill him now.
Alarm Clock(n): An evil device invented by Satan to disrupt the peaceful sleep of otherwise happy folks at a predetermined hour.
I`m ABSOLUTELY positive I`d accidentally kill myself within 3 minutes of owning a light saber.