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I don`t hate anyone. I just don`t like people.
My anaconda will take whatever it can get at this point.
You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
You hate me? I didn’t even know you existed.
If by crunches you mean Captain Crunch cereal, then yes I do crunches.
If you are having anxiety over something you`ve said or done, just remember that 90% of the world only cares what you look like.
Seriously, how can it be considered stealing when my neighbor’s WiFi signal was trespassing in MY house? I’m the victim here!!
How did the inventor of the clock know what time it was?
I`m hearing voices again. Probably because my window is open and there are people outside talking, but still.
This prefessor`s nuts. He keeps saying pie is square. I know better, pies are round, cakes are square!
I`m happy, but not "Oprah just told me to look under my chair" happy.
I broke up with my gym, we were just not working out.
Ever wondered why there’s no window in the airplane’s toilet? Because, really, who’s going to see in?
They say dolphins are the second smartest animal after humans, but I`ve never seen a dolphin with a face tattoo.
Women and children first because men deserve a little quiet time before the ship sinks.