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I’m beginning to believe that successful relationships come down to Netflix compatibility.
I`m surprised carving faces into vegetables after pulling out their innards isn`t incorporated into more American Holidays.
Deadliest Catch and Jersey Shore - two reality tv shows about catching crabs
Your secrets are safe with me, because I probably wasn’t listening to begin with.
You know when you`re exercising and feel like you could keep going and going? That`s happening to me, only with beer.
Paint thinner? I call bullsh!t. I been painting myself with it all week and I`m still fat.
My wife made me coffee this morning & winked at me when she handed me the cup. I`ve never been more scared of a drink in all my life.
Keep calm and pretend today isn’t Monday.
I always wrap someone`s fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock.
My kids are giving all the people on this airplane a hard lesson in birth control right now.
The only thing I drink from a shot glass nowdays is Maalox.
If you wake up with a funny taste in your mouth on christmas morning...............just remember that santa only cums once a year. :D
?"Cheating" is such a strong word. I rather call it "talent scouting".
Why do we feel safe under blankets? It’s not like a murderer will come in thinking “I’m gonna ki..-ahhh. Damn, he’s under a blanket.”
There are no absolutes in this world. Except vodka.