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I have a great relationship with Alcohol..
An arranged marriage is just another way of saying that your parents helped you get laid.
I knew I`d be a great parent. Kids aren`t nearly as difficult to take care of as my drunk friends.
You know those people who get all excited and lovey with puppies at pet stores? Same. But I`m in a liquor store.
I wonder if the psycho hitchhiker ever gets picked up by the psycho driver. Now there`s a movie I`d pay to see.
Dodgeball, but with random people who don`t know that they are playing..............
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
Mondays are middle finger approved
Make your girlfriend scream your name, leave the toilet seat up.
Despite being a pain in the a$$, you have to admit I still bring a lot to the table.
I don’t have a bad handwriting, I have my own font.
Just washed my car with the squeegee at the gas station.
You couldn`t handle five minutes in my head.
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Don`t let anyone call you an "underachiever". If they knew you, they`d know how amazing it is that you`ve managed to accomplish anything.