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How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Who do you have to sleep with around here to sleep with someone around here?!
I`m sick to death of these letters from the City of College Station bullying me to mow my grass! If Walmat can prepare for Christmas 3 mths in advance why can`t I do the same for Easter!!!??
So in between the 4 seconds that I missed your call and managed to call ya back, you`ve fallen off the face of the earth?
God created the world in 7 days but took 9 months to create me. So clearly I’m a big deal...
Never tell a lie ... unless it is absolutely convenient
I have a fear of speed bumps, but I`m slowly getting over it.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
If you see someone crying, ask them if it is because of their haircut.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
"You clean up nicely", is just a polite way of saying, "You usually look like sh!t."
You say you want to bring me back to reality. You’re assuming I’ve been there before.
Chickens: The only animals you eat before they`re born AND after they`re dead.
Peace on earth would be nice, but not gaining 20 pounds over the holidays would be a Christmas miracle.
The sun and I have an understanding. He gets up before I do.