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I swear I`m allergic to alcohol. Every time I drink I seem to break out in handcuffs.
I’m the kind of guy who dreams about naps while I’m asleep.
Of course it`s you....there`s no f*cking way it`s me.
How can you tell if a smurf has the blues?
Dear liver…. Here is an advance sorry for tonight… sincerely Jimmy…
The recipe I am making says to chill for 30 minutes so I`m sitting back and having a margarita!
"I didn`t get your text" is the new "my dog ate my homework"
Pro Tip: If you`re on the bus, and wearing headphones, people can still hear you fart.
why do people with bad teeth always have a smile on there face
This is 2016. How come I can`t email someone a fart when I feel like it?
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
Im thinking, The best part about sitting down at the computer for a minute and making a status message like this is that by the time you`ve finished reading it and taking a minute out of your day you`ll have a brand sense of enlightenment and awareness that you never had before once you realize that there is absolutely no point to this post whatsoever.
You should NEVER say and I mean NEVER say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she`s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at the moment.. :|
I feel sorry for men who don’t know how to value women. One look at a woman and I know how much she will cost me.
I smile because your my daughter. I laugh because there`s nothing you can do about it. ;)