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To all my friends who post Controversial, Obscene, Dirty, Offensive, and Derogatory posts, .. Keep that sh!t up. I like it....
If you`re going to have opinions on my life, then I am assuming you will be paying some of the bills.
Cop: Been drinking tonight, ma`am? Me: No, I`m just dizzy b/c I`m having a heavy flow day. It`s really clotty and... Cop: You`re free to go.
Euphoria....the feeling you get when you finally beat "that" level on Candy Crush.
I got 99 problems but a least my name aint North West.
According to my iPhone Health app, I walked 1,787 steps around this Golden Corral buffet tonight .... So I got that going for me.
I just took the "What Kind of Asshole are You?" quiz and got "The kind that posts my results on Facebook".
I was chasing my dreams, but I tripped over reality and busted my head on the truth.
Cats would be even more stuck up if they knew how much the internet loves them.
"It`s not you, it`s me." -Twins looking at some family photos.
I just put Santa hats on all my Halloween decorations.
I got a new high score today ... Sadly, it was on my bathroom scale
Today I sent out a text saying, “Hey, I lost my phone, will you call it?” 12 people called me…I need smarter friends.
Me and my recliner...we go way back.
I`d rather be someone`s shot of whiskey than everyone`s cup of tea.