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If every social website was set up to look like a spreadsheet, pretending to work would be so much easier for me.
I’ll call it a “smart phone” the day I yell, “Where’s my phone?!” and it answers, “I’m here! Under your covers!”
Saying an actors performance was unbelievable is actually an insult.
If they have an Ice Cream Truck for kids why don’t that have a Beer Truck for adults?
A lot of people do not realize that the actor who played Wilson in Castaway is the same actor from the volleyball scene in Top Gun.
My internet went down last week...so I talked to my family....thank goodness the internet came back
I like to pee on car windows in subzero weather, happy scraping
Doctor said only clear liquids before surgery. Vodka qualifies right?
m for Monday t for Tuesday wtf Wednesday Thursday Friday get it wtf
Man, the first five days after the weekend are always the hardest.
Just blew the sugar off my donut… Dieting is hard!
No need to blind fold me, just hand me my phone and drive, I won`t have a clue how to get back here
in wine there is wisdom. in beer there is freedom. in water there is... umm bacteria
Learned a lesson from my dog tonight ... No matter what life brings you, kick some grass over that sh1t and move on.
Twitter is proof that people should not be allowed to name themselves.