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My first career was working as a Ventriloquist on a Radio Program, I got let go when people kept calling in to say my lips were moving.........
Just once, I would like to see a person on a daytime talk show say, "dad was a good parent...mom was a good parent...the problem is me, I`m just a sh!thead."
"We`re pregnant!" -people who don`t understand science
Sure, I can speak Spanish... "Margarita!"
It makes sense that animals pee on something to mark their territory. I mean if someone peed on something, most people would be like, "Eww, okay. That`s yours now."
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
The mind is like a parachute .... It doesn`t work if it isn`t open.
It`s a good idea to test your immune system from time to time by eating a gas station hot dog
I dont need to control my anger everyone around me needs to control their habit of pissing me off!
Being fat = Lowers your chance of getting kidnapped.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry until you`ve thought up a good excuse.
Well, I’m bored again. Time to open the fridge
Redneck`s famous last words: "Is that enough duck tape?"
Shouldn`t old people drive faster than everyone else since they have less time left to waste?