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Better pound all these beers so I can get the bottles in the bin for recycling day.
Its all fun and games until you realize your Capri Sun has no straw.
Just drove past the house where I lost my virginity. There wasn`t even a plaque or anything. Pretty ridiculous if you ask me.
The most important part of being on a gluten free diet is telling everyone about it.
There`s both a McDonald`s and a blood pressure machine at our Walmart. Circle of life.
Yes I stalk you, but only as a friend.
Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
It’s not you. It’s my ears. They just make you sound so boring and dull.
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it`s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can`t really touch anything.
They say laughter is the best medicine... found out that`s not true for treating diarrhea.
Every family has a plastic bag full of plastic bags.
Today I saw something that reminded me of you. But don`t worry, I flushed and everything went back to normal.
Champagne says I`m classy. Vodka says I can do anything I want. My therapist says I have to stop talking to my drinks.
Would you like a push on that mood swing of yours?
Only 3 more days until millions of people join the gym for a week.