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There’s nothing wrong with enjoying free samples at the grocery store. Just make sure they’re samples. And free. And it’s a grocery store.
If you have a tattoo on your face, you`ve lost the right to ask me what I`m looking at.
The trick is to not let people know how weird you really are until its too late for em to back out
It`s a serious Lego project when the 1st thing my 5yo does is take off his shirt and gets me a beer from the fridge.
I would eat a lot more salads if they were made out of pizza.
Capitalization can really change a sentence. Example: I love to eat candy ... I love to eat capitalization.
People who make really bad decisions are always like "I have the worst luck"
Use a mirror and you will find, PI.E = 3.14
Just had a fight with my alarm clock. It wanted me to wake up, I disagreed. Things got violent. Now the alarm clock is broken and I`m wide awake. Not sure who won.
Don`t get me wrong, Chinese food is amazing. But I`ll be damned if they expect me to believe that a chicken fried this rice.
An egg salad is really just a chicken salad that is really underdone.
According to WebMD, MedicineNet, Healthline, Mayo Clinic, Symptom Checker, NetDoctor, MedlinePlus, Johns Hopkins and InfoMedNet, I`m OCD.
Every time I see an obese cop, a small part of me hopes he has to chase me.
There damn well better be strippers & beer at my intervention because there is no way in hell I`m sitting through that sober!
The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car is having to poop as soon as you get out of the shower.