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You think your life is bad? I’ve got that “Five dollar foot long” song stuck in my head
I don`t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
Facebook- to help future generations discover if there`s ever been any mental illness in the family.
Don`t pick on Aquaman! The crime rate underwater is pretty damn low the last time I checked.
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
No, I don`t have tourette syndrome..I was just telling you what I think of you.
Why don`t strip clubs do Black Friday? It would be the one place I would camp out to go in.
I`m CDO. It`s like OCD but the letters are in alphabetical order. LIKE THEY SHOULD BE!!!
Hey babe, go to Google Earth, zoom in on your house. See that blue cap in the bushes? Hi!
And the day after Christmas has revealed that the holiday is just an elaborate ruse to get you home to fix your parents computer problems.
If a bag is not resealable then it contains one serving. I don’t make the rules.
my girlfriend asked me to go to the store and pick her up 50 shades of grey, she was pretty mad when i brought home 50 tubes of lipstick.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
"kill it before it lays eggs" - is my standard suggestion to any problem