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I spend most of my money on beer and cigarettes.. The rest I just waste.
If the human race has a "signature move," its gotta be lying to the dentist about flossing.
How many men does it take to open a beer? None! It should be opened by the time she brings it to the couch.
This town has more white trash in it than a dumpster behind a paper plate factory
A reality show where a couple wins $10 million dollars if they show nobody a picture of their baby for the first 2 years.
I tend to say “I dont know” when I’m too lazy to think.
Hurricanes, Fires,Tiger running loose ... Whoever is playing Jumanji needs to wrap it up
What`s the nutritional value of an entire tube of cherry Chapstick? Asking for my two year old.
There`s no panic like trying to press "End" when you make an accidental call.
People who live in bouncy castles shouldn’t throw darts.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that doesn`t let you skip.
Today`s brilliant idea: Slim Fast beer.
This one time, I got trapped inside a couch cushion fort for like 47 days cause I forgot to put a secret door on it.
If everyone would just be naughty next year, Santa would bring us all coal ... energy crisis solved!
You can`t always decide who walks into your life, but you can decide which window to throw them out of.