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Hey, Dude who flips me off for honking at him in the parking lot, your groceries are on top of your car.
If your dog weighs less than 10lbs, it`s technically a cat
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Well I was gonna donate blood today until the lady got all personal and started asking "who´s blood is this?" and "How did you get it?"
All my bills say "outstanding", I guess that means I`m good to go!
Video games don`t encourage violence nearly as much as piñatas do.
I can`t find my happy place this morning, mind if I goto yours
When I go to the gas station I always get two kinds of drinks so it appears I actually have a friend..I think they`re catching on though.
Women are angels, and when someone breaks our wings, we continue to fly…on a broomstick. We’re flexible that way.
It’s amazing how long you can hold your farts at the beginning of a relationship.
I will resolve to spend less time on Facebook..............ok, got that one out of the way.....................
As I slowly ran my finger down her G string I thought to myself, this is a nice guitar.
Being a Zombie doesn`t sound that bad. You don`t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
I don’t think my neighbor watches porn. She asked if I could fix her sink. I’ve been here for an hour and I’m still fixing her sink.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.