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Why do baby clothes have pockets?
10 REASONS WHY I`M LAZY... you know what? Never mind. I can do this later.
When people ask me what I did over the weekend, I always squint and respond “Why, what did you hear?”
New day, same old bullsh!t
I don`t mind sharing the highway with other people. I just wish they`d use the part behind me.
Saying "I`m offended" is basically telling the world you can`t control your own emotions so everyone else should do it for you.
Do you ever watch a movie and realize you have to watch it again because you were on your phone the whole time?
Men are like dogs. We`re excited to see you, and we have no idea what you`re mad about.
My greatest achievement today was writing this status.
The new neighbors moved in today. I brought them a box of condoms to show how much I don`t want anymore children living on our street.
My inner child has a bottle of vodka in one hand, a whip in the other and a broken halo sticking out of her back pocket.
We`re shutdown, but not `stop collecting taxes` shutdown. - the government
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
Think we could get the North Korean hackers to end "Keeping Up With The Kardashians"?
If you enjoy being the 10,000th person to put your thumb into a hole, then bowling is for you.