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I`ve reached that time of day between "coffee wearing off" and "murdering my co-worker."
I wish relationships were more like cell phone plans - "Free nights and weekends."
Is it ok to take a personal day if none of your pants fit? Asking for a friend.
I like my coffee like I like my women, hot and a lot of alcohol in them
There must be an easier way to transport long poles across canyons other than walking across a tightrope carrying one pole at a time.
To all the lovely ladies here I`m not wearing green....to all the guys here, I know Ju-Jitsu. Just saying
Day 1. I am thankful that I haven`t fallen into the trap of Facebook thankful status updates.
If you use more toilet paper to wipe the tears out of your eyes then wip your bum in the morning...the food was too hot the night before
Got tasered at speed dating again.
Do good masochists go to heaven, or hell?
I`m right 98% of the time. Who cares about the other 3%?
Just think, there is an entire generation of idiots who will wonder: "Why did they have a hashtag button on landline phones?"
Hi, you`ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
Wow comma I just realized if I tap the microphone on my keyboard I don`t have to type out my statuses anymore exclamation point
I hate it when people tell me I look young for my age because it implies my age is old.