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When they discover the center of the universe, alot of people will be shocked they`re not in it.
I don`t understand no one has excepted my boiling water challenge
Some people, even in photos, just look like they smell horrible.
One day you will die, but every other day you won’t. So that’s pretty great, right? ... Inspirational posts are hard.
If you stand by the sea, it sounds like putting a shell to your ear.
When I become famous I`m not going to tell anyone.
I seem to start my day backwards. I wake up tired and I go to bed wide awake.
It’s too bad that it’s easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
facebook is the only book we read everyday.
A real friend is someone who knows how damn crazy you are... But is still willing to be seen out in public with you.
Why don`t they just get Jehovah`s Witnesses to deliver the mail?
Pretty sure one of my ex-girlfriends added the, "are you still listening?" feature on Pandora.
If I could time-travel, forget killing baby Hitler. I`d go back to use every come back I ever thought of 10 minutes too late.
I’m not crazy just the voices are!
No one texts faster than a gossiping woman.