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Marriage (Possible side effects may include sadness, anger, sudden drop in finances, depression, sexual abstinence, and sobriety)
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they`re not passing you some fake sh!t.
Sometimes I wish I was full of pizza instead of emotions.
Whenever someone invites me to their home and I see more than 3 cars parked outside, I keep driving just in case it`s an intervention.
Pretty sure autocorrect and Siri talk shit about me behind my back.
According to the U.S. Census Bureau: 190,374 people are having sex right now, 212,130 are kissing, and 1 poor person is reading this post. You hang in there!
Studies show that 99% of Dans are not "the man."
I am so thankful and grateful that out of all the planets in the universe, we live on one with pizza and vodka.
Don’t waste electricity. How would you like it if I turned you on and walked away?
If it wasn’t for profanity, I wouldn’t be a pro at anything.
I haven`t crunched all the numbers, but early calculations show that a large percentage of people don`t care what you think.
Fact: Turtles can breathe through their butts. And I thought I had bad morning breath.
I sure do feel a whole lot more attractive at WalMart than I do at the gym.
A small child called 911 upon seeing a zebra because he thought a horse escaped from jail
On a scale from 0 to insane I`m batman