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I don`t hate you, I`m just not necessarily excited about your existence.
If I told you I was a pathological liar, would you believe me?
I like how adding a little OJ to a glass of champagne says “I’m classy” instead of “It’s nine in the morning and I have a drinking problem.”
Thinking of getting another kitchen table just for all my mail
Today, A 12 year-old came up to me and said "May I please have a cigarette?". I can`t believe kids this age are already so polite.
Just belted the dog in the drivers seat and pushed the car up to the drive-thru window
If you are stalking me, please keep up, I have a lot of errands today.
Three weeks without a signal typo!
Everybody stop what you`re doing and play with crayons! You`re wlecome, enjoy the day.
Who`s further now, the Energizer Bunny or Voyager 1?
It`s time to wave goodbye to winter. Guess what finger I`ll be using?
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
I started drinking a little early. Yesterday, to be more precise.
Let this be known as my Living Will. I do not wish to be cremated. If the Zombie Apocalypse happens I would like to be a part of it.
Sex-ed classes in school should just be listening to a baby cry for six straight hours while watching the same cartoon on repeat.