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I like the part of the day where we eat the food.
Relationship status: my cat won`t sit still for our selfies.
One would have to assume that Amish chicks carve their own sex toys.
I hate when I go to pump gas only to find out that the little metal "handle hold up thingy" is broken, so I have actually squeeze and hold the handle. I hate it for two reasons: 1) its gross and i just wanna peel my hand skin off like gloves when im done. 2) it makes me realize how lazy I am.
Someone said to me earlier, "Your face looks very familiar". I said, "I know, I`ve had it a long time."
There is always light at the end of the tunnel. It might be a train or a truck so dont let it hit you.
Four words that I never want to hear: There is no food.
After I die, there are some people I’m going to haunt the sh!t out of.
Someone asked me today what was the toughest thing about being a parent ... I would have to say it’s the kids.
Don`t Follow Me, I`m Lost Too
Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today." Woman: "EXCUSE ME?!" [whispers]"Dear Diary, I think she can hear me."
If tomatoes are classed as a fruit, then doesnt that mean that ketchup is technically a smoothie? ... hmmm
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.
Just called the fire department to tell them that dogs pee on fire hydrants so they should probably all wash their hands.
"Have you ever wondered if the $1 bills in your wallet were ever in a stripper butt? - You`re wondering now!!!"