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Receptionist: "The doctor will see you now." Invisible Man: "Finally, a cure!"
Driving would be much more entertaining if there were no yellow lights.
Shopping tip: You can get shoes for a buck at bowling alleys.
why does that idiot Charlie Sheen keep winning, and a good person like me keeps losing?
I have a pretty big ass, so when I half ass something you`re still getting something impressive.
If at first you don`t succeed ... I just lie and say I did.
I typed bitch into my GPS and guess what? I`m in your drive way. Vroom, vroom mother f*%ker.
There’s a very short list of things you can have in your hand while running without looking crazy.
Pizza gal reads my order back to me and says,"You have one large thick sausage, anything else?" With a smirk I reply,"Yes, I`d also like to order a pizza."
I like my women how I like my straws …. Bendy and full of liquor.
I’m thinking of leaving my body to science. Even scientists need a good laugh now and then.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Technically, if you don`t cut the cake, it`s still just one slice.
I`ve spent three hours investigating this chicken and I still can`t find his nuggets.
Sometimes, when dealing with people, you can`t help but stop and think, "Yup, I`m about to get my first assault charge."