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Imagine how frustrating it would be if Tic-Tacs were individually wrapped
We live in a society that`s the most knowledgeable about a zombie apocalypse, but the most likely to be eaten while staring at our phones.
I was born to make mistakes, not to fake perfection.
The next time someone asks me what I`m doing, I`m gonna reply "I`m breathing 2 stay alive how about u"?
We will always have that special 5 minutes before I started creeping you out.
If I weren´t such an alcoholic I would throw my drink in your face
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
In a 500-day period I could theoretically meet someone, get married, have a baby, and get divorced–and yet I’d still be using the same box of Q-tips.
Shout out to all the ladies at church today in the same clothes from the club last night.
Why is it always "I see you drank all the beer today!" instead of, "Oh, honey, that was so sweet of you to help clean out the refrigerator."
I got a little package in the mail today. For some reason it just reminded me of my ex.
Sorry I said "What is it?" when you showed me your baby.
Whenever you feel sad, just remember that somewhere in this world there`s an idiot pulling a door that says "PUSH"..
The last time I went to a nude beach I got a ticket. The officer said I was applying my sunscreen...Too Fast.
Line forms here for spankings