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My wife’s new cooking show will be called, "Do you smell Something Burning?"
I have a land line just so that I still have the option to slam the phone down when I angrily hang up on someone.
Just quit my job so I can spend more quality time giving out candy crush extra lives.
I`ll be a morning person when it`s Christmas.
Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?
Absence makes the heart grow fonder, but my boss just gets mad when I don`t come into work.
I see you`ve set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
When I wake up at night, I reach out to you, I love you not for what you look like, I love you for what you have inside - Me to my fridge
A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!
I enjoy a bit of unnecessary swearing as much as the next f*cker.
Guys communicate by insulting each other, but don’t really mean it. Girls communicate by complimenting each other, but don’t really mean it.
Welcome to the obesessive-compulsive hotline... please press 1 repeatedly.
Now that cell phones are becoming more and more waterproof, pretty soon it will be okay to push people into pools again...
I got so much Crazy going on that the term "Bi-Polar" would be excessively underestimating my condition, let`s go with "Multi-Polar" from now on.........
My motto for the night ... drink till I no longer think :)