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How to make friends: 1. Tell people you have weed.
I don’t have a problem with caffeine.I have a problem without caffeine.
Dark humor is like sex, not everybody always gets it.
Some dude was bragging about his brother being a navy seal and it`s like...I don`t care what colour he is, why is your brother a seal
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
Afterism (n) - A concise, clever statement you don`t think of until too late
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
If you tickle me, I’m not responsible for your injuries.
My therapist doesn`t believe in werewolves so I left my last session with more problems than when I arrived.
I`m under the weather today, also so is everyone else, that`s how weather works.
The way my dog acts, you`d think his entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`m going crazy! Get in, you`re riding shotgun!
Don`t talk about yourself so much... we`ll do that when you leave.
Arguing in sign language must be a workout.
If my week was a YouTube video, Monday would be that crappy ad that it doesn`t let you skip.