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If you try and don´t succeed, cheat. Repeat until caught. Then lie.
I can`t tell them apart, was that Milli or Vanilli doing the sign language at Madela`s funeral?
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye, but she was seeing someone on the side.
You notice how no faith-healers have stepped forward to help out with the ebola crisis in Africa......
When your wife or girlfriend asks,"Do I look fat?" the ONLY correct response is, "Do I look stupid?
My secret ingredient is letting somebody else cook.
My girlfriend told me to grow a pear… What the hell does fruit have to do with killing this spider?
I think people who challenge me at Words With Friends are most impressed with my vast knowledge of three letter words.
Choosing A Career Is Like Chosing A Wife From 10 Girls. Even If You Pick The Most Beautiful, Intelligent, Kindest Woman, There`s Still Pain Of Losing The Other 9
It’s never too late for a coffee. After all it’s always morning somewhere in the world.
you can´t drink all day if you don´t start in the morning
Welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces in the room this week and I`m very disappointed with all of you.
I`m sorry I slapped you but you didn`t seem like you would ever stop talking and I panicked.
"You`re going to love my friend. He`s hilarious." is still the best way to know you`re about to meet an annoying person.
My 5 year plan is to watch Netflix. All of it.