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My boss said we needed to find ways to save time and be more productive, so I just moved the coffee maker to my desk
People who can finish a shampoo bottle at the same time as their conditioner are truly ninja`s.
People hate the truth. Luckily, the Truth doesn`t give a $#!t.
I accidentally spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
Crowded elevators smell different to midgets.
Dear World, Stop saying "twerk."
If they really want to increase breast awareness, why not try a National Motorboat Day?
The best part about living in a small town is when I don`t know what I`m doing, someone else does.
None of the animals I designed and invented are at the zoo. Do they even check the suggestion box?
“Delete, Block, Ignore” Its too bad getting rid of people in life is not as easy as it is on Facebook..
Instead of the John, I call my bathroom the Jim...that way it sounds better when I say I go to the Jim every morning.
They say you need about 2000 calories a day. Ok, time to do math. 65 calories in one fluid ounce of Jack Daniel`s means i need 30 shots tonight.
The phrase "Go see your Ford dealer" means something completely different in Canada than the United States.
Not that I expect 100% truth in advertising, but shouldn’t those women in the tampon commercials be wielding chainsaws and burning stuff down, not laughing and dancing?
Every so often you come across a person that supplies you with endless motivation, even if it is just to jump into traffic.