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I wish I had a dollar for every time I didn`t have a dollar.
The first to apologize is the bravest. The first to forgive is the strongest. The first to open the vodka is the smartest.
Facebook is basically just you having a conversation with yourself hoping that someone else will join in.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
I go to a gym called Resolutions. It has exercise equipment for the first 2 weeks of each year, then becomes a bar for the remaining 50.
When I drink alcohol.. everyone says I`m an alcoholic. But.. When I drink Fanta.. no one says I`m fantastic.
I`m sorry baby, but me & you are not going to work out. We are going to watch tv.
I`d like to change and get comfy, yet that requires effort. Ever feel this lazy?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
If lemons hand you life, you’re probably dyslexic
Sitting out in my front yard pointing a hair dryer at speeding cars to see if any slow down.
If you`re feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.
This coworker is about to find out walking around smiling on a Monday always leads to workplace accidents.
Yesterday I saw something that reminded me of you. I almost stepped in it!
Kids teach you so many life lessons. Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.