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I wonder how many dads named their sons Luke just so they can say "Luke, I am your father."....
It`s never your successful friends posting the inspirational quotes.
I ran out of coffee this morning, whisky seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
All women are crazy. But, if you pretend to listen to them when they talk, they will let you live.
The TV is so loud! But not quite loud enough to make me get up and get the remote.
Procrastination is the art of keeping up with yesterday.
I found my first grey pubic hair today. Normally things like this don`t bother me, but it was in my Big Mac.
The location of your mailbox shows you how far away from your house you can be in a robe before you start looking like a mental patient.
I told my girlfriend to get me a newspaper. Dont be silly, she replied. Borrow my iPad. That spider never knew what f*cking hit it.
As it turns out, I’m not an afternoon person either.
I want to know what horrific ideas were rejected before they decided "Vagisil" was the best possible brand name?
I hate when you tell someone you’re bored, and they suggest getting together. Then you have to explain that you’re not quite that bored.
Thats it! I want to be re-inserted and I don`t want to remember a darn thing!
People go to the bar hoping for 2 things...to get hammered or to get nailed.
Would buy you a drink but I would be jealous of the glass.