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My neighbors complained about all the loud sex they are hearing from my house. So now I have to buy some headphones for my computer.
I judge how safe an area is by the number of lit letters on the Waffle House sign.
Dear Microsoft Office Word I am pretty sure I spelled my name correct
keeps getting dirty voicemails from unknown numbers. If it`s you.. Send more
When people sit in front of me at the movies. I make a loud fart sound so they quickly move to get away from me.
Have you ever partied so hard that you feel like you may have damaged your DNA?
If your phone doesn´t ring it´s me.
I just gotta believe that as a species we`re capable of making an automatic hand dryer that`s quieter than an airplane.
Just when I think my confidence couldn`t be shakier, some shitty website tells me I have a "Weak Password"
Why can`t Miss Piggy count to 100? Cuz` when she gets to 69, she gets a frog in her throat!
CONGRATULATIONS! You are the 13th woman he`s called "beautiful" on Facebook today.
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
Whoever decided to color underpants white was an idiot.
What idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
It’s not the holiday season unless you push your body to the brink of alcoholism and diabetes.