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To all the waiters out there: we don`t get impressed when you try to memorize our orders, we just get nervous.
Money can`t buy happiness, but I`d rather cry in a Ferrari.
Flies only live for 24 hours.. Except for the ones that get in your house. Those bastads live forever.
They say when a man holds a woman’s hand before marriage, it is love, after marriage, it is self-defense.
If you’re a size 0 we shouldn’t be able to see you.
My friends says that I spend too much time talking to random people online. What do you guys think?
The only complaint I have about being married is being married.
The only trouble with resisting temptation is that you may not get another chance...
I finally had the talk with my kids. I told them that in the wild animals eat their young so they better get their sh!t together.
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn. And now we wait....
I`ve given up on giving up.
I bet if you look up dictionary in the dictionary it says "don`t be an a$$hole"
Women, we don`t say this enough, but thank you...Thank you for not killing us in our sleep. Sincerely, Men.
Why do people with bad breath always have to tell me secrets??
My favorite thing to do on Facebook is to get in a long conversation with someone and then delete all my comments so they look crazy.