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First fart at my new job.
What`s the lowest IQ someone can have while still being a relatively full functioning adult? My wife wants to know.
If she asks what the weight limit is on your ceiling fan.... She`s a keeper!
!f yhu T@k yk d!$, then dont talk to me.
Happy Labor Day to someone who barely labored this year.
Screw love... I`d rather fall in chocolate.
is bored of being bored because being bored is boring.
Be thankful your GPS doesn`t get PMS: “Fine! Turn whichever way you want! You never listen to me anyway!”
Mac & Cheese doesn`t contain many vitamins, so it`s important you always eat a bunch of it.
PRO TIP: If you walk around the mall hitting kids in the face with the shopping bags, your wife won`t make you carry them.
Surveys say 1 out of every 2 people suck at math. It`s terrible that 80% of the population can`t even do the easiest calculations.
I wish people were like Internet videos and you could tap them lightly to see a clock of how much longer they`re going to be talking.
It`s a good thing the gas station is open today...... I still have time to do my Christmas shopping.
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more that throwing them a surprise party.
I`m going to the gym now. Not bragging. Just want you to know where to send the ambulance.