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Worry: a waste of imagination.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
My hatred for Nicki Minaj probably stems from my fear of clowns.
Why do crutons come in resealable bags? Are we really worried about them going stale?
I am at the gym! Well, the parking lot. They have free wi-fi.
I`d be vegetarian ... if bacon grew on trees.
One time I threw a boomerang and lost it, now I live in constant fear.
I make a great second impression.
Think about how much more stressful life’s most stressful moments would be if accompanied by the running-out-of-time music in Mario Bros.
My New Years resolution is to stop procrastinating so much.
Procrastinators Unite!! ... tomorrow.
Facebook keeps telling me people are following me. But, every time I look behide me there`s nobody there? Why does facebook keep lying to me?
People don`t call each other jive ass turkey enough nowadays.
Going to the toilet without your phone is like going to war without a gun
Life is short, Smile while you still have teeth.