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We live in an era of smart phones and stupid people.
How long do I have to wear these skinny jeans before they start working?
Someone told me the camera adds 10 pounds and I was like why would anyone eat a camera you idiot?
From now on when someone asks you where you`re from look them dead in the eye and say: Planet Venus.
I`m not crazy, I`m just special!!...No, wait...Maybe I am crazy. One second...I have to talk to myself about this, hold on...
Just took a shower. You have no idea how hard it was to sneak that thing out of Home Depot.
Raise your hand if you have already spent your daylight savings
I need to find a job where I am paid solely on how awesome I am.
Running shoes? No, I don`t run. These are my "better hurry up the liquor store is about to close" shoes.
I’ve taken off my pants in most malls that I’ve been to.
With the right music, you either forget everything or you remember everything.
Meaningless statistics are up 17% today
Your girlfriend is rated E... For Everyone
Do athletic people not know about Netflix?
What did I get for Christmas? Fat...