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It only takes a second to show someone how you really feel about them... the cops call it indecent exposure, but whatever
Still waiting for a "Where are they now?" episode about the Flintstones
Reality is an illusion that occurs due to the lack of Alcohol
Forget beauty sleep. I want skinny sleep.
In-laws the reason why I`d never get married..
After months of uninterrupted analysis, I am now prepared to conclude that, indeed, my laundry is not going to fold itself.
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
Dont judge a person by the color of their skin or by the content of their character but by the shape of their eyebrows
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What`s on TV?" I said, "Dust." And then the fight started...
The only problem with sarcasm is, it only works on intelligent people.
Adding “and sh!t” to the end of a sentence to make it sound cooler and sh!t.
You`d think he`d be better at this with all the porn he watches
Thanks coffee for tricking us into believing that it`s a good morning for a few minutes.
I’m an organ donor, but I’m pretty sure all they’re going to use is my liver for “after” photos.
After watching "Breaking Bad" and the VMAs in the same night, I think I`d rather my kid be a meth dealer than a musician.