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Not sure what`s longer. A microwave minute or a treadmill minute.
There are two types of people in the world: 1. People who understand and appreciate sarcasm. 2. Morons.
Some things are better left unsaid...That`s usually the stuff I blurt out right away.
why do wise people never make wisecracks?
Half the lies they tell about me aren`t true
whoever snuck the `s` in fast food is a clever person
You can tell a lot from a woman by her hands. For instance, if they`re placed around your throat she`s probably slightly upset.
Punctuality is a waste of time since no one is ever there to appreciate it.
I`m old enough to remember when apparently the worst thing life could hand you was lemons.
This century is already 15% over.
The girl at the Taco Bell drive thru gave me this “I know your high” look. I snatched my 37 crunchy tacos and got out of there.
I got up this morning and think I saw my shadow. I´m going back to bed for six weeks.
I don`t know exactly who`s health I`m drinking to, but they`re going to be immortal at this rate
Things ain`t nobody got time for: That
We’ll be friends until we’re old and senile. Then we’ll be new friends all over again.