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Please excuse me for talking while you were interrupting.
Dear Santa, I was framed!
There are a thousand better ways to spend your time and yet here you are with me.
This rough sex would have been a lot better if I wasn`t alone.
Just bought myself a mistletoe belt buckle. Wish me luck.
I don`t think we do get smarter as we get older. I just think we run out of stupid things to do.
Having plans sounds like a good idea until you have to put on clothes and leave your house...
You know the road is in bad shape when you drive to the grocery store and your fitbit registers 1,000 steps.
Thanks to Facebook, rock bottom now has a waiting list.
My wife has spent all day arguing that she isn`t stubborn...
Whenever I give money to the homeless, I get yelled at that "they are just gonna buy booze with it". All I can think is ... Oh like I wasn`t ..
Iām sorry I offended you with my common sense.
For lent I`m giving up sex, wait I`m not Catholic. Whoa, that was close
All i ever see on facebook is LBR, TBH, LMS, and all that other crap...
Gonna try out my new drinking game tonight... 1. Turn on the news. 2. Take a drink every time the word FERGUSON is said!