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Corn mazes are great because how often does one get to experience the feeling of being trapped by corn
"Should I add more liquor?" is the most ridiculous question I`ve ever been asked.
Someone figured out my password. Now I have to rename my dog.
I was bored of doing the same thing day in and day out,so I phoned the "Local Ramblers Club"....but the guy on the other end of the phone just went on and on and on!
Happy Elastic Waistband Day
Hey bill collectors, nice try, but I don`t even call back people I know.
Please, lord, let me prove that winning the lottery won`t spoil me!
Target had a credit card breach? But only with in-store purchases, not online? More proof you`re better off staying home with no pants on.
The problem with marriage is that it was invented when people lived to the ripe old age of 30.
I`m not funny, I`m just really mean and people think I`m joking.
The best thing about hand sanitiser is that when you put it on, it looks like you are plotting to take over the world.
"Truth or dare" should be renamed to "Interrogation or Humiliation"
I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with “Guess” on it…so I said “Implants?”
I will never miss you, because I`m a really good shooter.
For your final meal request to eat the electric chair and then the warden will be like well now what do we do he ate our electric chair