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My New Years resolutions are just a list of mixed drinks I haven`t tried yet.
if there wasn´t a last minute I´d never get anything done.
They’re called scents, not flavors, I should not able to taste your perfume or cologne.
My favorite hobbies are practical jokes and masturbation. I’m always trying to pull a fast one
Can`t find your children? Try turning off the wifi. They appear suddenly.
Dating Tip: If you eat a magnet and slip another magnet into your date`s drink she`ll never be able to leave you
Funny how drinking 8 glasses of water a day seems impossible, but 8 beers, and 6 shots, go down like a fat kid on a see-saw.
Don`t you just a hate it when you stumble into bed drunk only to be nagged by someone screaming "Get out" or "You live next door!"
How does Ice-T order an Iced Tea without sounding like a douche?
That sounds fried. I`ll take it.
You`d think the chances of putting in a USB drive wrongside-up would be 50-50, but nope, 90-10.
Your secrets are safe with me because I zone out everytime you speak.
I`ll never forget the first time we met. Although, I will keep trying.
How about a cooking show called "Cookin crap in the Microwave".
Sometimes I wonder if I could get away with murder, but then I remember I can’t even eat pancakes without getting syrup all over me.