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Unfortunately, showing that much cleavage doesn`t fix your face.
I used to drink a lot in the 80s. Then I realized, who cares what the temperature is.
When my boss asked me who is the stupid one, me or him? I told him everyone knows he doesn`t hire stupid people.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I`m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
I’m going to start telling girls that I’m available for a limited time only in hopes that their shopping instinct kicks in.
Eat whatever you want,and if anyone tries to lecture you about your weight ...Eat them too..!
I wish my car was fueled by my lack of desire to go to work.
I like to walk around my house naked… Until my neighbors scream at me to go back inside
Advice of the day: Don`t go trick or treating at the bank. They get freaked out. Especially when it`s not Halloween
If a gay guy doesn`t write a book called "Fifty Shades of Haaaaaayyy" I`ll be disappointed.
You ever read a status, and you`re like, `what a f*ck up` and then you realize you`re on your own page?
It`s not hotter this year. It`s just that you are fatter and there is more surface area for the sun to hit.
I really wish Wal-Mart had a 10 teeth or more line...
A cop pulled me over and said ``Papers...`` So I said, ``Scissors, I win!`` and drove off like a boss!
Thinks that some of you make impulsive, poor thought out decisions. We should totally hang out more!!!