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The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won`t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5. You play your game and I`ll play mine.
How to break up with someone: You: Your ex is attractive. Partner: Which one? You: ME. You: BYEEEE
Do you ever just get a random burst of motivation to clean your house, write a novel, paint a masterpiece or read a book ... Yeah, me neither.
If an officer asks “do you know why I pulled you over?” “Because it’s the only way to get girls to talk to you” is a bad answer, apparently
I got a lot more sleep back when phones were only used for calling people.
Today’s Horoscope: You’re gullible
You know you’re ugly when it comes to a group picture and they hand you the camera.
The difference between cheating on your wife and cheating on your taxes is if you tell the truth, the IRS still wants to f*ck you.
When people tell me knock knock jokes, I pretend I`m not home.
No man has ever won a game of `notice anything different about me?`
uncle Sam can`t be related to me because family wouldn`t do me like this.
It’s amazing how easily “I have 10 minutes to waste before I need to leave” accidentally turns into “oh crap I’m running late.”
Since everything is closed for Thanksgiving I’m going to drive around and park in all the good spots I never get.
A lifetime of fire drills has prepared me to completely ignore the alarm during a real fire.
I`ve done it in the bathroom, I`ve done it in the bedroom, I`ve done it in the kitchen, on the couch, outside, in the bus, yoo I just can`t seem to stop this texting.:)