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When I`m bored, nobody texts me. But as soon as I`m busy, BAM! ... still nobody texts me.
There`s no better reminder to visit your dentist than a trip to Walmart.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I have to like you. Go on, I`ll wait.
No matter what the product, a good way to throw off an aggressive salesman is to interrupt him and ask, “Yes, but does it work on cats?”
Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
Let`s start by taking some notes today. I`m fabulous bitches! Write that down.
I do 5 sit-ups every morning. No, it doesn`t sound like much, but there`s only so many times you can press the snooze button.
There`s no use worrying about things you can`t control. Except for bodily functions...Hopefully you can control THEM. :/
They say 1 in 3 people cheat in a relationship. I`m not sure if its my wife or my girlfriend.
if it has tits or tires sooner or later it will give you problems.
I eat my salad without dressing because who has time to put on clothes...
Life gets expensive when you trust a woman that`s cute.
I am really getting tired of every time I go out people use me for my body. You know, to shade them from the sun and all.
My favorite exercise is a combination of a lunge and a crunch. It`s called lunch.
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I`m just cooking!"