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twinkle twinkle little star ... point me to the nearest bar.
Why is there an eject button on the DVD remote? I still have to get up and take the disc out. It`s like having a remote to open the fridge.
Out of all the lies I`ve ever told, "Just kidding" is my favorite.
How to tell if a woman is mad at you: 1.She`s quiet 2.She`s yelling 3.She acts the same 4.She acts different 5.She murdered you
I`m beginning to think the only reason I buy bananas is to watch them die a painful death on my counter.
Trust me when I say anyone can dance! - Jack Daniels
My ex girlfriend had a really weird fetish. She used to dress up as herself and then act like a f*cking b!tch all the time.
Arguing politics is like trying to convince someone that their baby isn`t cute.
I didn`t see anyone important today so I`m going to wear the same clothes tomorrow.
I`ve come to the sad realization nobody will ever triumphantly pour Gatorade on me for any reason
Today I saw a cat with three legs, which was much better than finding the alternative, just a cat`s leg.
The cop said it was an outstanding warrant, dad! And you said I`d never amount to anything...
Sometimes in life you have to give the people around you a little push ... into traffic.
If I had a time machine, I`d just keep going back every 8-9 hours so I could sleep more.
You know you`re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on