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You`d think my boss would know me by now and stop asking me everyday if I`ve been drinking.
Im pretty sure that my shrink this week mumbled "this is pure gold" under his breath
Enough with the lies, people who drink decaf coffee, tell us what your game plan is.
I`m pretty sure my Internet Explorer “error reports” end up the same place my letters to Santa do.
I`m always extra nice to the weird kid, so one day he`ll spare my life when he finally snaps.
I`m getting older but I still have my moments...though I don`t always remember where I put them
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
I had to go on two diets because one wasn`t giving me enough food.
This stupid lady is taking forever using her damn coupons for her groceries. All these rolls of pennies are heavy! Hurry up!
Unless you fell on the treadmill, nobody wants to hear about your workout.
Tonight I’m going to have my favorite drink. It’s called “a lot.”
I inherited my dad`s sense of humor. He`s not funny either.
Why must I prove I`m me, if I`m callin to pay my bill. Do strangers call to pay my bills? If they do, then let them, you idiots!
I never think twice about helping others.In fact, I never think once about it.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.