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I sleep better when I`m naked why can`t my boss understand this?!
I`ve been holding my stomach in for 3 years now so don`t talk to me about dedication
A broken clock is right twice a day. I guess what I am saying is, that a broken clock is right more than you.
If I have offended you, hurt you, belittled you in any manner, then I want you to know that I was only just getting started.
Have you noticed that it`s only the married squirrels that hurl themselves in front of your car......
Stages of beard length: 1.) sexy stubble 2.) sea captain beard 3.) prisoner of war beard 4.) homeless person beard 5.) wizard beard
The road to hell is paved with good intentions Note to self...avoid good intentions at all costs.
I only like clicky pens when I am the clicker.
It never ceases to amaze me that the little space between the driver’s seat and the center console in my car will fit any object that can possibly be dropped, but will not fit a hand.
Why did the mushroom go to the party because he was the fungi
Always envied the kids who showed up to school with their 64 count Crayola crayons. If I wanted Burgundy or Salmon I had to ask in shame.
99.9% of lol’s are lies.
Any way you can speed this up, officer? I`m obviously in a hurry.
Bank called asking if my credit card had been stolen. They were concerned because it hadn`t been used at the liquor store since Friday.
You`re annoying, but honestly, I`ve been annoyed by better.