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Happy people don`t take long showers.
Just watched a woman in front of me walk face first into a telephone pole because she was too busy looking at her phone. I could’ve given her a heads up, but then I wouldn’t have been able to watch her walk face first into the telephone pole.
I spent an hour at Walmart last night.. I can now totally disprove evolution.. O_o
Age has its advantages. Too bad I can`t remember what they are.
Ever gotten that awkward feeling? ..like the one when you realize you`re chewing on a BORROWED pencil?
pudding... thats always a funny word
I need a new refrigerator ... There`s no food in mine.
"Everything else tastes like us. Why do we need to die?" -chickens
You know if you say gullible slowly it sounds like oranges :)
If you have a parrot and you don’t teach it to say,”Help, they’ve turned me into a parrot”, you are wasting everybody’s time.
That prince in Sleeping Beauty doesn`t get enough credit for kissing someone who hadn`t brushed her teeth in forever.
I need to hire someone who will follow me around and just knock the unhealthy food out of my hand.
There are two key elements to success. 1) Never tell anyone everything you know.
I`d divorce my wife but I never want to see her that happy!
Whenever somebody is murdered, the 1st person the police investigae is the spouse. That should tell you all you need to know about marriage.