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You can never read a doctor`s prescription, but you can sure read his bill
Carrots are a great thing to eat when you are hungry and want to stay that way.
Thanks to everyone for the Birthday wishes! To anyone who missed it.”No cake for you!!"
Online dating is like shopping for a car online... show me the carfax!! I wanna see the history!
I think pet shops should give a free laser pointer with every Cat purchase.
My wife gives me sound advice. 99% sound. 1% advice.
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because for a few miles they believed you were the real bus driver.
A high-pressure hose will usually stop a coworker from showing you any more baby photos.
I miss being in a relationship. Could 1 of you girls come over here and yell at me, treat me like shi t and not sleep with me? It might help.
Studies show than men who have sex more often tend to have a longer life expectancy. See, it`s a survival thing.
Man cannot live on bread alone ... hence beer and stuff.
So far I’ve spent most of 2014 flipping off the weather channel.
I’m going to rename my wifi network to “Surveillance Van #02?. That should keep the neighbors on their toes for a while.
I`ll try to be nicer if you try to be smarter.
FYI: I`m never gonna tell the person I`m meeting up with that you said hi.