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If your roommate never walked in on you naked, you`re not naked near enough.
You can`t buy happiness, but you can buy ice cream, and that`s kind of the same thing.
Here`s an idea...You go away and I`ll stop ignoring you.
I`m really good at acting like I`m sorry the elevator door is closing and you missed it.
Texting typos can change your life. "Having a great time wish you were her"
Don`t cry because it`s over, smile because you have incriminating evidence.
If only I did everything with the same precision in which I craft my sandwiches.
I don`t understand fat poor people. What are you eating? Broken hopes and dreams?
The truth might set you free, but lying might keep you out of jail.
When suffering from insomnia I either count sheep or ask my girlfriend how her day was.
I wonder if I could get a job as a babysitter if I referenced my Facebook group admin experience.
Relationships are not a test... So why cheat?
The real plot hole in Cinderella was that if everything disappeared at midnight why did the shoe stay?
going to mcdonalds for a salad is like going to a brothel for a hug
I just bought a house, car and a boat with no payments until 2013. Those f`ing Mayans better be right…