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If you`re single and you know it hug your cat!
Oops! I hate when I pour myself a drink and then have 12 more by accident.
Why do men fart more than women? Because women can`t shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.
I just got kicked out of the Zoo! How was I supposed to know that real hippos don`t actually eat marbles?
I get so confused when I`m about to watch a TV show or movie and "For Mature Audiences Only" appears on the screen. Can I watch or not?
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
How do people rap? I can’t even talk without messing it up.
Side boob is only hot on women, bro.
My girlfriend told me I`m starting to annoy her because I relate everything to batman... What a joker!
Before social networking you could just completely forget someone existed, it ruled.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
omg I just found out I`m allergic to exercise...at first I get all flushed, then I break out in a sweat, my heart starts pounding really fast, then I cant breath........i wont be doing that again!
He who laughs first, must be connected to wi-fi.
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
I’ve found that I can usually judge how hot a woman is by how many times my girlfriend calls her a whore.