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everybody has a girlfriend or boyfriend, and i`m just over here like `i love food`.
When someone tells me how old their kid is in months, I ask them to rephrase it in days, so they know what I just went through.
I always laugh at myself. If I didn´t, everyone else would be having fun without me.
No children were harmed in making this status. Ignored perhaps, but certainly not harmed…
Flight to Vegas...guy in front of me has a bouquet made up of dollar bills. Pro Tip: That stripper will never marry you bro.
A buddy gave me some of his pee in a jar so I could pass a drug screen. I failed, which is weird, cause I drank ALL of it.
Remember…it’s only embarrassing if you care what people think.
To whoever has my voodoo doll, please scratch between my butt cheeks. I`m out in public. Thanks.
FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.
Its not you, it`s how you don`t make me sandwiches.
In grade school it’s called bullying but when you get older it’s referred to as upper level management.
I`m not a bitch, I just have a low bullsh!t tolerance.
Today is opposite day. Wait...if today is opposite day and I say that it is opposite day that means today isn`t opposite day. If it isn`t opposite day then how cAn I say today is opposite dAy? I`m so confused -.-
I had my Crayola guy re-run the numbers,,, and there`s only 36 shades of grey
My method of going "offline" in FB chat is to just ignore you.