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have you ever been like "what`s the day today? ... no i mean the like the number".
Hi can you fill this prescription please? Sir this is just a post-it note with `give me the good stuff` written on it.
That awkward moment when you gently throw your phone onto your bed and it decides to Bounce of 3 walls, Knock over a lamp and kill a cat.
Dear alcohol we had a deal where you were supposed to make me cool, sexy, charming and a great dancer........I seen a video......we need to talk.
Why do blurry people always ask me if I’m drunk?
Its real cute how pedestrians confuse “right of way” with immortality.
Still no news on the royal baby. One will assume its being delivered by Royal Mail
What if I am sexy and I don`t know it?
“Let’s hang out sometime.” - liars
There`s really no telling how successful I could have been if the internet hadn`t been invented...
I hate it when spiders just sit there acting like they pay rent.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how in love you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
Odd how all the `intelligent life finding instruments` are pointed away from earth.
My ex was an absolute treasure and by treasure I mean you`ll need a shovel and map to find him.
Kid`s Choice Awards are a great reminder why children aren`t allowed to vote.