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Everybody says waking up at 5 in the morning to exercise makes you feel great but I think lying in bed for another 2 hours feels better.
I drink to make other people interesting
Just saw a cop pull over a U-Haul truck. I think he is trying to bust a move.
Im thinking about writing a book about my life, I just have to wait for the statue of limitations to expire.
A man in front of me at Walmart is buying a pregnancy test. I bet this is the one time in his life he wishes she had sent him for tampons!
I remember 2011 like it was yesterday. ;)
I know exactly how a bomb technician feels when I try to open a cup of cherry mixed fruit without the juice spraying out.
If your drug dealer is always on time he is a cop …
I didn`t sleep well last night so this morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water. Half way to work I realized I forgot my car.
Life before the internet was awful. Your friend would be wrong about a trivial issue during dinner and you just had to let it go
Mark my words: In a year, the leading cause of death will be “Beaten to death with a selfie stick”
I think it’s pretty cool how Chinese people made a language made entirely out of tattoos.
For the record "Wanna do it?" is not foreplay....
Jake from State Farm works some very crappy hours.
Defies physics: I eat half a pound of food, `purge` 1 pound of it, and then gain five pounds because of it-- WTF?