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Honestly, I have no idea what the f*ck I`ll do with 5 hours of energy.
I think I`m a grown up the same way Dr. Phil is a doctor.
Only 3 things can make me run. When someone yells, "Fire", "Free beer" or "The free beer is on fire”
“Everything you say can and will be used against you” should be included in marriage vows.
I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now I`m going to a different cafe.
I would run a marathon. If the only 2 bars were 26.2 miles apart and the first one was closed.
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years? Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
When it`s raining I don`t work, when its sunny I don`t work, when its cloudy I call in sick!
If spiders ever come to the realization that people are terrified of them, we`re f*cked.
cuss words = sentence enhancers
"Woo, I`m on a roll today, baby!" -butter
I eat my Chinese food just like any other American, with chopsticks, one grain of rice at a time.
I am absolutely a man of my word. Unfortunately, it just so happens that the word is "Unreliable".
I guess I`m somewhat of a big deal, when I tell people about my accomplishments, they always say, "Big deal."
ATMs should have built in breathalyzers. I would save so much money.