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The older the Facebook post, the creepier your “like” becomes.
I may contain scenes of violence, nudity and foul language.
I asked my kid “do you know why we have a Thanksgiving holiday?” He said, “Sure! It’s so we know when to start Christmas shopping!”
Is it wrong to put leftover Halloween candy in their Easter baskets?
Drinking doesn’t make me post better Facebook statuses; it simply makes me not care what you think of them…
The length of your "About me" section on Facebook is directly proportional to how annoying you are in real life.
Spicy food is like BDSM for your mouth
You guys remember back before Google when we would just sit around and wonder about sh!t ...?
I can already tell it`s going to be another one of those mornings where I`m not rich and famous.
Research shows that, when someone shouts "Oh no he didn`t!" ... He in fact did.
You can stay, but your clothes must go.
When you get angry at someone count out loud to ten. When you get to eight, throw a punch. Nobody expects that sh!t.
When wearing a logo or clever t-shirt, make sure your rack looks good. No one likes reading stuff on a lumpy, wavy surface. You too, ladies.
I hear there is scientific proof that birthdays are good for you... the more you have the longer you live.
Even if women came with an instructions manual men still wouldn`t read it.