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The Bible is pretty accurate...Especially when thrown at close range.
It’s embarrassing that 90% of my Google history is just words I wasn’t sure how to spell, and yes I googled embarrassing.
I really love it when a hot girl winks at me with both eyes.
My three biggest fears are mouses, wolfs & proper pluralization.
I`d like to thank (you know who) for the (you know what) I`ll talk to you later (you know where) and if I don`t (you know why).
Why does Facebook even give me the option to `Like` my own status? Of course I like my status, I`m F*ck!ng Hilarious! ...and Sexy.
WARNING: Objects in profile pics are not as pretty as they appear.
I went to McDonalds, put 5 dollars on the counter and said "Surprise me". Because I never get what I ask for anyway!
Lucky Charms should be 98% Marshmallows and 2% of that other sh*t.
Despite the high cost of living, it still remains popular.
Even when I’m home alone, I still answer Jeopardy questions out loud.
I`m back in the HR office today. In my defense my coworker very plainly said "stick a fork in me, I`m done"
Nice try, Henry Winkler, but I’m not inclined to take mortgage advice from a guy who lived above the Cunningham’s garage for like ten years.
I believe in living every day like it`s my last day, and on my last day, I plan to take it easy.
Ugh... Seriously? If I get ONE more sexual advance on facebook, that will be.. like... a first.