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Nothing is impossible. I know a man that once guessed correctly why a woman was mad at him.
I shouldn`t have to work. People should just pay me for being awesome.
I have just one thing to ask you people who say the memory is the first thing to go: What did I come in here for?
Don’t run with scissors — unless you’re stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!
Facebook.. reminds me a lot of high school. Full of alcohol, drugs, jealousy, sexual frustration and a bunch of boobs I`ll never get to touch.
I was raised on the streets is more manly than saying I grew up watching Sesame Street.
I changed siri to a male voice and now my car keeps taking me to strip clubs and auto parts stores
I`m sorry. I know I said hi, but I wasn`t really prepared for any follow-up conversation.
Doc: ``Hows your headache ?`` Me: ``She`s at home``
Trying to be a responsible adult is messing up my social life.
Just found my TV remote and a newspaper in my fridge. It`s pretty awesome that society lets me live by myself.
My Status updates are so great people hit the like button twice
Me: I`m gonna lose weight. Me: I`m gonna exercise every day. Me: I`m gonna go on a diet and stick to it. Me: Is that cake?
If you catch a homeless couple having sex is it rude to tell them to "get a room"?
I often worry about the safety of my children, especially the one that is rolling their eyes at me & talking back right now.