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How is it possible that we have one hand that can do everything while the other hand is all, “I can’t even hold a pencil”?
Today has me seriously evaluating my policy of not drinking on the job.
My wife says "YOU`RE DRUNK!" like it is a bad thing.
This is a private status. Please don`t tell anyone about it.
I was on way home this morning when I seen an AA van pulled in and the driver was crying his eyes out. I thought to myself that guy is heading for a breakdown.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I just used the self checkout in Walmart without needing assistance and they made me district manager.
I say ” I shouldn’t be telling you this,” at the beginning of every conversation so people will listen to what I’m saying.
Confucius would have been great at Status Updates......
A new day : the possibilities, endless. the funds, insufficient.
You`d think by episode 133 the Scooby Doo gang would know it`s a guy in a costume every time.
The feeling you get when a woman asks you to guess her age is like wondering whether to cut the blue wire or the green wire when defusing a bomb.
You know what`s wrong with winning a hundred thousand dollars? ... Not a damn thing!
I will be thoroughly disappointed if the first human born on Mars isn’t named Marvin.
Sometimes my mind wanders, other times it leaves completly. ;)