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Oh my gosh! It`s a Hot Wheels car! Something you never want to hear during a prostate exam.
What number SPF blocks people?
It`s not stretching if it doesn`t involve crazy dinosaur noises.
Putting vodka in my juice, because it`s Russia somewhere.
I don`t like making plans for the day, because then the word "premeditated" gets thrown around in the courtroom.
It`s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
My high school girlfriend got "uses her kids as her facebook profile picture" fat.
I wonder if I´ll ever be mature enough to use a stud finder without first pointing it at myself and saying "there´s one."
The only thing worse than "the one who got away" is "the one who won`t go away."
Now that "twerk" has been added to the dictionary, I can`t wait for a Spelling Bee judge to be asked to use it in a sentence.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you`re homeless cause you`re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Threw my back out today reaching for the shampoo in the shower. But I`ll be telling everyone it`s from having sex while skydiving.
I`m no different than any other bachelor. I put my pants on one leg at a time and clean the house once every new girlfriend.
Whenever I watch the TV show Friends, I imagine I`m the seventh friend, Dirk, who just stays home while all his friends do stuff without him.
Chaos, panic and disorder. My work here is done.