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Five years ago my boss asked me where I wanted to be in five years. I finally know the answer: Not Here
2 words, 1 finger.
I wonder how many strangers have stories about me.
I haven`t been drinking. I know what day it is. I didn`t lose my pants. This might be my car. I know how to drive. -Lies I`ve told to cops.
Nothing says "I dont take you seriously" like your dog wagging his tail when you`re yelling at him.
So what the grass is greener on the other side of the fence. Their house paint is peeling.
If you don`t give a f*ck then why you telling everybody?
I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I`m sexy!" Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not "content creator"?
Even if I were taking a dump on the moon someone would walk in and sit down in the stall next to me.
I feel pretty confident that if anyone ever steals my identity, they will inevitably improve my credit score…
Though we made many advancements in society, sadly, pimpin’ STILL isn’t easy.
I repaired my blow up doll with superglue.....that was an awkward trip to the emergency room (<>..<>)
Men who claim women belong in the kitchen definitely do not know what to do with them in the bedroom!
A friend suggested I see a therapist but the truth is, I like being f*cked up.