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If you are hotter than me, wouldn’t that make me cooler than you.
Political debates are great if you want to watch idiots talk to us like idiots to prove that the idiot next to them is a bigger idiot.
Is it called NASCAR because that’s the way a hillbilly pronounces “nice car?”
10 years from now: “Dad, how did you meet mom? Well, your mom had the hottest profile pic…so I had to friend request that.”
"Why yes, I`d love to be a thousand pounds." – my brain when I see a box of donuts
Dating a woman in 5 easy steps: 1. Be attentive 2. Don`t be too attentive 3. Show interest 4. Don`t show too much interest 5. Seek therapy
Who cares how I got inside your house. What matters is that we`re together now.
My wife told me that her favorite position is when I lay very very still wearing a toe tag and she starts dating again
North West: Daddy what were you famous for? Kanye: rapping. North West: Mommy what were you famous for? ((awkward silence))
Who named the walkie talkie and why isn`t the vacuum called the pushy sucky?
Exercise by running up the street knocking on all the doors. - Jehovah`s Fitness.
We’re all mature until somebody brings out the bubble-wrap.
So it turns out being an adult is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
I suppose cougar is a better term than old whore.
I worry about people who write "taken" in their bios. Where did they go? Who took them and why aren`t we helping to find them?