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If the voices in my head had a British accent I would listen to them more often.
I like to take an empty Krispy Kreme donut box to work and sit in the break room and watch all of the disappointed faces
I just got off the couch and I think I accidentally did yoga or some $hit.
What do sleeping and sex have in common? I`m not getting nearly enough of either.
It`s a beautiful Spring day to get outside and stare at your phone.
Why do they call a grapefruit a grapefruit? I mean there is already a fruit called a grape!!
If I wasn`t supposed to have vodka for breakfast they shouldn`t have made it taste so good with orange juice.
Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.
Everything just seems much better when you`re in denial
Lets watch a reality show about nasty rednecks acting like rednecks, but get mad when one of them says something a redneck would say
Hey sorry I’m late, I didn’t want to come.
I don`t know why you are complaining about your appearance, your personality is even worse.
Sweat pants & Uggs in public says "and I didn`t brush my teeth, either."
If I’m going to sweep all of my problems under the rug, then I’m going to need a bigger rug.
I`m awesome ... Don`t question it, just deal with it.