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The real danger of running with scissors is that a rock might fall on you.
People who text back... "kk" ... Are so annoying! ....and almost racist
I`m not impatient. You`re just slow.
I thought the voices in my head actually liked me until I found out they learned sign language just so they could talk sh*t about me.
I sleep better naked…why can’t the flight attendant understand this?
Is it just me or doesn`t anyone disappear in the Bermuda triangle anymore?
What a snow day inside with the kids! My one son thought it would be a good idea to fill up the garage freezer with snow to save for later and my other son had an "accident" and peed all over the floor in the bathroom. Youd think they know better at 13 and 15 years old! I probably should stop letting them drink beer in the house.
It’s strange to think that the sound of nature is the sound of millions of animals desperately trying to get laid.
I`m pretty sure the phrase "Did I say that out loud?" is just a way of adding an exclamation point.
My dog acts like her entire family was murdered by a vacuum cleaner.
I`m optimistic that within my lifetime it will become acceptable to wear your underwear to the supermarket.
If your parachute doesn`t deploy don`t worry, you have the rest of your life to fix it.
If you grew up wanting to be a Plumber or a Pizza delivery boy, You watched too much porn as a kid.
My mind is telling me nooo... But my body... My body`s telling me yesss...BABY. Cashier: Sir...would you like fries with that or not?
I’d steal a doughnut truck and attempt to outrun the cops, just to let people see a bunch of cops chasing a doughnut truck!