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Men, if a woman is upset, hold her and tell her how beautiful she is. If she starts to growl, retreat to a safe distance and throw chocolate at her.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles and pay to walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
That awkward moment when you say goodbye to someone and then both walk in the same direction..
"Lazy" is a strong word. I prefer to call it selective participation.
Me:"I had a dream about you." Girlfriend:"Awwwwww." Me:"Yeah, you died."
New documentary movie about white trash ... I only saw the trailer...
Relax, you’re not paranoid at all. Everyone is talking about you.
Sometimes I get up really early, drink some coffee and read some awesome motivational quotes. Then I go back to bed.
I`m just doing what the beer tells me to.
I always pick up a huge cucumber up at walmart and yell to my wife "you said you wanted the biggest one right" Because I`m a great husband
"I knew that..." -Me, after every Jeopardy question.
I`ve created a new gym to help with the child obesity problem. There is no building, I am just slowly driving around neighborhoods in an ice cream truck without ever stopping.
Your pants say yoga but your a$$ says McDonalds!!
Tonight I`m playing hard to get off the sofa.
Dear iPhone, Please stop changing my rude words into nice ones. You piece of shut.